Hey.

I’ve been trying to cope with the loss of my emotional support animal but in the month since he died I’ve been falling apart. I wouldn’t say things have gotten better or that I’ve gotten better at shouldering the grief.

Everything that I was went with him when he died; all my hobbies, all my interests, everything that I considered home and I’m so lost without him. I’m a senior in college hoping against hope that I can maybe haul myself through to vet school but I can’t tell if I’m interested any more.

I’ve got high and low days but between them one thing remains the same and in the end its all there is; I feel like tissue paper, like flaking bits of chalk. I’m missing class after class, assignment after assignment, and I can’t keep this up because my professors- well, why should they care? I can’t remember not being sick with something. I barely manage to eat. It’s hard to get through a shower, to do the dishes, clean my apartment, water my plants, go grocery shopping. It’s hardest of all to sleep. What little sleep I do get is plagued by nightmares. I never feel rested.

If I’m not struggling to get to sleep then I’m struggling to wake up. Sometimes I go to sleep and all I do is sleep, sleep, sleep; sleep on the bus, sleep in my homework, sleep in classes. I take my ADD meds, stimulants that rip away all drowsiness which kicks me  into high gear, but they’re just not getting me through it. I spent 9 hours last week in various doctor’s offices and counseling offices trying to figure out what was wrong and get help but everyone just keeps telling me that I’m “fine”. Today I spent upwards of 3 hours sitting at my desk staring at one practice problem – I’ve got a physics exam on Friday morning, and an 30 paged research paper due – and I just cracked.

I think I need help but all the professionals I’ve spoken with say I’m fine so what now? Am I being dramatic? Am I being an attention whore? I just don’t know what to do or who to go to because every time I reach out I get no response and I don’t want to keep annoying my friends and family. I can’t let them know I S.I. they deserve better than that.