I miss self harm: simple as that. But is it really simple? I keep asking myself why do I miss it and I get the same answers in my mind about how it helped me and how I needed it but the thing is, I know rationally I do not need it. I went a year-and-a-half or so without self-harm as of December and since then I have harmed myself twice. I don’t regret it and I keep moving forward but I have this sense within myself that I want to do it again and I know (as my previous patterns show me) that I will do it again at some point.
Last night brought me to a point so close to harming I couldn’t stand it. I called my boyfriend and he was so supportive which was extremely helpful. I just felt hurt and like a screw up and failure and like I’ll never get anywhere and I just was craving what I use. It was so hard.
It still is hard. I know I can do it whenever really. Sure, people are home but they won’t notice if I’m alone for a bit; we all do that, have our own time to ourselves; that is just how we are. So it would be easy. But is it worth it?
Is one more time worth it? Is having to see my therapist Monday and being open with her worth it? Or is it worth holding in the craving and seeing her Monday and brushing it off because nothing actually happened? I did not harm so why mention the battle in my brain that is all-consuming?
When I originally stopped before these last two times, I still felt this everyday. Maybe I’m missing something. I do not know but I need it or another way out. Alternatives are helping less and less. Part of me doesn’t care though. The logical part does but there is a part of me that just says why keep on this path if it is doing no good; it’s not like the other would be much worse.