I 1st injured deliberately when I was 6. I evolved through different ways of injuring. In college, I added other ways. I quit for nearly 10 yrs and injure again when I was married and looking to divorce him, to find myself as a woman who actually was attracted to women. Good little baptist turned sinner lesbo, I hid and ignored so much. I was so strong after I left and married the person I believed was the love of my life. A good friend was murdered in a hit and run, a client overdosed and his chart homepage was stuck open for 2 weeks on my log in, my dog was hit and I had to pick her up. I am a social worker, a behavioral health tech, I “teach” all the others how to be “ok.” People look up to me and I am dying inside, yet ice cold and shivering just to remain in the present. So close to SI again, so close. I can feel it and almost touch the realness of the fire within. To slow the racing, to break the loop. To breathe, a deep breath I am unable to find. Alleviate the pressure on my sternum, the pain of my muscles bound so tight, waiting for anything to happen so that I can react in atrocities I feel guilty for in my own life, hidden behind the door. Barred from anyone’s sight, but my own. No one has stood with me, no one will stand with me. I stand alone, gasping and contained pain awaiting an end. Put me anywhere else.