I 1st injured deliberately when I was 6. I evolved through different ways of injuring. In college, I added other ways. I quit for nearly 10 yrs and injure again when I was married and looking to divorce him, to find myself as a woman who actually was attracted to women. Good little baptist turned sinner lesbo, I hid and ignored so much. I was so strong after I left and married the person I believed was the love of my life. A good friend was murdered in a hit and run, a client overdosed and his chart homepage was stuck open for 2 weeks on my log in, my dog was hit and I had to pick her up. I am a social worker, a behavioral health tech, I “teach” all the others how to be “ok.” People look up to me and I am dying inside, yet ice cold and shivering just to remain in the present. So close to SI again, so close. I can feel it and almost touch the realness of the fire within. To slow the racing, to break the loop. To breathe, a deep breath I am unable to find. Alleviate the pressure on my sternum, the pain of my muscles bound so tight, waiting for anything to happen so that I can react in atrocities I feel guilty for in my own life, hidden behind the door. Barred from anyone’s sight, but my own. No one has stood with me, no one will stand with me. I stand alone, gasping and contained pain awaiting an end. Put me anywhere else.
Sometimes….i think it helps to be able to release the fact that you feel this way. Sometimes*.
But as someone who goes through relapses everytime a SO ….makes it feel as though…i’m nothing, i can say i understand, and you can believe me. Of course you don’ thave to but hoenstly to know that i’m not so much “alone” in these sort of things, i won’t say makes it easier…but i will say it makes it more managable.
My issue is along the same thing, i went to school and completed an AA in Developmental Psychology. *I* knew i had a problem before it was even toyed with, so to speak, by the ones formally knowns as “family”.
It sucks, being able to help others but not yourself…a lot!
But, don’t think that no one will stand with you.
There’s always Someone*, Somewhere*.
In the words of Fifel, from american tails, “Somewhere, out there, beneath the blue moonlight….”
(*)