I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to find a job. I feel worthless and unwanted. My education feels like a waste of time and money. I am getting desperate. The more desperate I become the worse the downward spiral gets. I think because of how I a have been feeling, I have started to have more and more intrusive thoughts about self harm. My thoughts are very graphic, and severe. I don’t want to think I’d act on anything, however I did just buy some new ‘tools’. There is this ‘I don’t care attitude’ about SI right now. I feel like I am worthless so I am not putting much value on my health and what I choose to do to my body.
I really don’t know what to do. I continue to not to have anyone to confide in. I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention, but I have lost most of the faith. And yet, walking around I seem almost calm and ok. I am ashamed to admit its because I have told myself that it can be a choice to give up. I think having that as an option has made things seem less intense. Like I have a way out.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to have a way out – not like that anyway. I just feel so stuck and alone. I want to be wanted, to be financially independent, to feel valued and worth something. While I am finding a tad bit of that in volunteer work, it is not the same. I continue to feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I feel embarrassed even typing this out and using this blog as a outlet, but the anonymity helps.
My one hope one day is that I can use my past experiences and struggles with SI to help others. I have tried to get on that path. Why is it so hard. I just want to feel useful. I want the scars to mean something more than just shame. It feels like I will forever be covering up, struggling for acceptance and belonging. The struggle is exhausting.