This is my first blog post to this site and I`m a little nervous to any reactions I may or may not get, but uh here we go. I started self harming at the age of seventeen, I had several injuries, I started using S.I as a way to feel anything other than sadness and pain, if your wondering what led me to this I`ll tell you, in 2015 I had to move from a small town that I lived in for almost six years and it was painful for me because I had to leave my best friend behind I was diagnosed with depression by a therapist but all my mom said was you make yourself like this, stop, etc.. and her saying that would send me into panic/anxiety attacks that lasted from 45 minutes to over 6 hours or until I decided to sleep it off. In May of 2016 is when I started S.I because I`m very anti-social and introverted and I push people away from me because I built this wall around me so people couldn’t hurt me like they have in the past, but within time I slowly let people in , but over time I kept slipping further into my depression because my friend told me you have no reason to be depressed and I should just stop being sad and be happy, eventually I turned to S.I to let the sadness out of me, I would S.I regularly for a month and a half, my sister found and helped figure out alternate methods to hurting myself, she even introdueced me to the butterfly project, after my parents found they couldn`t look me in eye for almost a month and because of that it made me want to S.I again but I didn`t I was already a disappointment to them I didn`t want to make worse by relapsing after I promised my dad that if I wanted to hurt myself again I would come to, I even pinky promised him. They even took me out of therapy because they thought my therapist wasn’t doing anything to help, when she was. After I was clean for a few months I relapsed again and didn’t tell my sister or my parents and it hurt me even more because I promised I wouldn’t do it, I would come and talk to my parents so I added another, in December while my sister and I were in a hotel elevator she saw the injuries that scared over and she was angry and hurt that I didn`t come talk to her. Less than a month after I turned eighteen I relapsed again because I failed a test that I needed to graduate twice, so I hurt myself as punishment to myself for failing;  And very recently I relapsed again, in the beginning of Febuary after I had an incident with my “best friend” (not the one mentioned earlier) I was so angry and hurt, I injured myself and then I went inside and drank myself to sleep because I was angry that I couldn’t sleep so I turned to alcohol, after discussing the situation with another friend (we`ll call her Jan, I want to protect the identity of this person) Jan and I both felt as though the “best friend” was fake, two faced, and didn’t care about us. Last Saturday she asked if I was still mad I was honest and told her I was, (because she said she would change and she lied to me) after talking fro about an hour and half I got so angry and upset that I S.I, and my sister found out about three days later and we talked it out, she said it hurt her. Hence then I have felt as though no one actually cares about me I mean yeah my sister is there but I feel as though that she feel obligated to care. I feel so alone all the time, I feel like I have no one to talk to, to relate to. I feel that my depression, really low self-esteem, self hatred, anxiety, and scars prevent me from living my life, getting a job, finding my soulmate and just over all enjoying life.