I literally just self harmed. I’ve been working on a 6+ page essay for hours today, but I haven’t been able to focus. My new therapist thinks I have ADD on top of my anxiety disorder and depression. I’ve been clean for a few days, but I stopped being able to focus, and I couldn’t stop fidgeting, and my body reacted weirdly to my anxiety, and none of my other coping skills worked. My phone wasn’t working- I have bad service in my dorm- and I had to self harm. I don’t feel guilty, but I still feel bad about it. More than anything else, I’m just annoyed that I’ll have to wear long sleeves for a while. I’ve been horribly sick all week, and I’ve been hot then cold then hot again, and now I’ll have to stay in my sweatshirts to hide what I did. I haven’t had the motivation to ask the Wellness Center if there is a group for self harmers. I want to look into it, but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve been getting bad again, and I don’t want to be the freak who wants to get better but just can’t. Now that I’ve self harmed I can focus more, even if it’s not on my essay that’s due tomorrow… well, later today.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired, and I’m really glad that I haven’t felt suicidal in a while, because if I was still feeling suicidal it’d feel even worse.