I haven’t written on here in quite some time now. This used to be my safe haven a long time ago. Now it’s late, I’m worried my friends are sick of hearing my struggles, and I self harmed so I don’t know where else to turn. I have these wicked anxiety and panic attacks. Today was a good day, I watched my football team win, I met up with friends, went to an AA meeting. I’m staying along at a friends house dog sitting for the next week and it was weird to be alone. It started as a tearful day as I passed a 9/11 memorial driving by the water today. A bunch of old war veterans out there flying the US flag and Proud to be an American on the country station I was listening to. Anyway all that was fine. My anxiety started when my throat felt dry and just built up over hours. I take a physical sensation and my brain blows it up. Like HUGE. I tried everything I could think of. I’m supposed to be trying temperature things via my therapist when this happens to ground myself so I put an ice pack on my face, that helped a little bit, I counted, I breathed, I prayed, I tried “acting as if…”, distracting myself, radical acceptance oh my god and nothing worked enough to stop it. I suppose they all lessened it a little bit but no enough to stop the attack. My partner gets so annoyed with me and told me tonight “don’t you know by now it’s all in your head!? It’s not real ever so why can’t you just stop freaking out!?” I got upset. He’s right, and I understand his frustration, it still hurt my feelings. I drove across town to the house I’m staying at and its dark and I’m alone and my dad didn’t answer and my sister had to go be it’s too late to call anyone and I was desperate for relief. So I self harmed, I had plenty of pause to stop and do something different but I had tried everything different I could think of and the anxiety was still raging. I immediately felt calm and comforted while and after I self harmed. I hate that I got back into this habit. After the calm came the shame and the guilt and it’s about an hour later now and I feel wide awake and scared and alone in this house. It’s like I know what I need to do, and I know I can do it because Ive done it before, but it’s so hard to stop once I’ve started and let it become an option again. I’m even more ashamed of the fact that right now I don’t even want to stop. I should probably want to, but I don’t, I want to want to stop.