So, I’m now in college. Today was my first day, and I loved my classes. I’ve made two good friends and two others I see around campus. I’ve been having a blast living on campus and away from my home.
The downside is that I’ve been hurting myself every day since I’ve moved in.
I knew this was going to happen. For months during therapy I’ve lied about feeling better and feeling excited about college without telling anyone that I knew deep in my soul that as soon as I moved out of my mother’s house that I was going to start hurting myself again.
I need help. I seriously do, but I can’t go to the hospital now. I love college so much and I don’t want to leave as soon as I got here. I know that if I tell someone about what’s happened that my mom will put me in the hospital again and she won’t let me live on campus when I’m better enough to go home.
I don’t want that to happen.
I stopped myself today almost as soon as I started hurting myself. I’m seeing my mother tomorrow and I think she may see what I’ve done. I hope not. I can’t leave. I actually feel comfortable here.
I’ve thought about telling my best friend. I don’t know if I should though. I want to talk to someone about this, but I feel like I can’t. I know it’s not healthy to keep this as a secret, but it feels good. It feels right, even though I know it’s wrong.
What should I do?
I am glad you are enjoying college. It can definitely be one of the best times in your life. Does your college have a counseling center? Can you see someone there? Maybe they even have a group for people who self harm? I know the college I ultimately graduated from (I went to a few colleges, and it took me eight years instead of four because of some serious issues which included but weren’t limited to self harm), had a great counseling center, and also had a great support group for self harmers. I actually saw a therapist outside the counseling center because my mom worked at the counseling center (talk about awkward), but I did participate in the self harm group, and it was very helpful. If you see a therapist/counselor they pretty much have to keep whatever you tell them confidential, unless they are worried you are a danger to yourself or others (this does not typically include non-life threatening self harm–so just disclosing you have issues with self harm would not be enough for them to break confidentiality). Also, how old are you? If you are 18 or over, your mother doesn’t exactly control you. She could potentially try to get you court committed to the hospital, but she can’t just put you there as your parent. (If you aren’t quite 18, then she maybe could). Also, the hospital isn’t always the best place to treat self harm–sure you are kept safe, but once you leave you have all your old tools, and not always a lot of new coping skills. Working one on one with a therapist is MUCH better, since you will gain coping skills while having access to your tools–so you will learn how to keep yourself safe, instead of relying on someone else to keep you safe. Please do look into talking to a therapist–they can be SO much help. Currently, I am seven years clean, in part with help from my awesome therapist. Also, don’t be afraid to switch therapists if the first one isn’t right for you. I have had many therapists over my life, some who were GREAT, and some who were really not so good. I wish I’d had the courage to fire the ones that didn’t mesh well with me sooner than I did.