Yesterday I found out that one of my friends who started using again successfully killed himself after years of trying and failing. Considering that I’ve tried to end my life, I really should feel worse about him dying, but I don’t, and I almost hate myself for it.

I wish that I felt bad for relapsing. I don’t. I feel guilty, but I still want to do it again. I miss hurting myself a lot. It’s pathetic. I feel pathetic.

I am pathetic.