I feeling a lot more emotion these days and I don’t necessarily like it. It seemed like there was a patch were there was a lot of emotion pain but urges weren’t really on my radar– that was ok, I guess. I decided to write as I noticing judgement in myself over what the biggest trigger for me at the moment– it’s basically a really good thing– something I’m massively proud of– the idea that I could be in the process of buying an apartment would have been beyond my wildest dream even a handful of years ago. And the fact that it’s underway is very outward reflection of all the work I’ve done to stabilize my life from the inside out. But I just signed the mortgage loan papers and really want to care for a SI– more than I want SI– I want to do the nurturing part. It’s scary and intimidating to go through this process– there’s no certainty– even as what I’m reaching for would be this big stable thing in my life– to have my own apartment– there’s getting the mortgage, which could fall through (though that’s highly unlikely) and it was just a huge, stressful decision– next will be getting past the coop board, which is also likely to be fine, but might not be. I don’t *want* to be triggered by a great thing that’s happening in my life. I want to be happy. I am also relieved that I will be leaving my current neighborhood and going to live in different neighborhood, but it’s a really different neighborhood a good distance away and I have been in my current neighborhood for about 20 years– my entire adult life– I couldn’t afford to stay here if I wanted to and I do want a fresh place to be– a lot of bad thing happened here– but, also, my whole life has happened here and it is outrageously painful to think of leaving, even as I want to go– I can’t process that conflict. A really healthy high-functioning, growthful thing like buying an apartment, too– ……maybe my brain will forever go to SI when it is uncomfortable. I’m 40 years old. That’s where it goes. It made some sense to me to go there over really hard-time things where I was in bad shape and my environment was dangerous and lots of illegal things going on around me/to me. But that’s not the case now. I can take care of myself. I can hold a job. A job where I’m very well-respected, supervise a large staff in a fast paced and demanding field. The outside of me moves on and on and on. But the inside still has a really hard time. As a teenager I was really high achieving too, but a wreck until it all just fell apart and I hide in a marriage and went into hibernation. I guess I just keep working on it all……. I’m also going to have to figure out how to accept that pain of this move, but I don’t know what to do about the anxiety of the uncertainty…..