So things have been really bad emotionally, yet somehow I haven’t self injured. Or taken up anything bad. And I feel like I somehow “should” because survivors of trauma and patients are “supposed” to do bad things to themselves. (There have definitely been times I wanted to self injure until I could not see straight.)

Sometimes I wonder if doing the self injury has any advantage—then I realize that numbing the pain is worse since when you feel it it is terrible.

I’m beginning to wonder if the repressed grief I have is finally starting to come forth. Somatic Experience is getting rid of some of it and has definitely helped me be triggered less.

Life isn’t easy right now. Thanks to my dad’s 30 years of smoking, even though he quit almost 18 years ago, he is now in the hospital with cancer and heart disease. This hospital stuff has taken over my entire life, despite doing my PhD.

I am still in regular therapy. I’m beginning to realize the patterns I have which is assume people know things, shut them off when they don’t, tell them to leave me alone or act so horrible they do anyway, and …… well, it used to be SI. Now it’s I have to sit there and FEEL it. And it sucks. And I don’t know how to go about life with zero expectations from others.