I wish this site were more active.  I really like knowing I can come to a trigger free place.  Sometimes I purposefully go to triggering places, I guess as a way of mentally self harming, but sometimes (like now) I know I HAVE to stay away from the triggers, or my thoughts might turn into actions.  Also, I’m a fairly creative person, and I often use triggering places to help me think of new ways to self harm.  This is not good.

I was supposed to see my therapist last week, but I couldn’t.  She is out of the office, and no one knows when she will return.  (she injured her foot and had surgery).   This is not great for me right now–I really need to talk to her, but I can’t.  I know if things get desperate I can call and talk to the after hours person, but doing that scares me too.  I have no idea what they will say.  I did get to see my med provider this week, and he said if I need to talk before my therapist returns (we are both hoping she will be back in time for my next scheduled appointment on the 31st), I can always call and make an appointment with him.  This is good to know.  But I don’t want to need to do that either.

I have been clean for six and a half years, and I don’t want to lose that. I am also reaching towards some very good goals, and I want to make those goals happen.  I am starting to think like I used to though–when I meet goal A, B and/or C, then I can injure a little bit.  But, not until I reach those goals because injury could prevent those goals from happening.  I know that if I give in even once to the self harm, my goals will no longer matter so much.  I also know, that once I reach goals A,B AND C, I will have more goals, and injury will also not fit in with those.

The goals I am working on now are 1) buy a house–this is getting to the stressful part. I got the long application for a loan yesterday, and I have to gather a TON of paperwork to send in with the application.  It is very daunting, but doable. 2) My roommate and I are planning a vacation.  This will be a really fun time, and we are both very excited for it.  It won’t happen until late June/early July, but I have to be healthy for it!  3) Find a decent job.  I have a great job. Well it was great. But, then I got a TON of hours reduced (through no fault of my own), and now it isn’t quite so great–I used to work 14 hours a week, now I work 3.5 hours a week.  This means I need a job with more hours–especially if I want to buy a house. Sigh.

So, I’ve got some good goals, but my thoughts are turning to self harm more and more.  I will be 40 on Friday, and I don’t want to harm myself after I am 40.  But, my birthday is a rough time of year for me.  I know if the thoughts get too bad, and I am too likely to act on them, the hospital may be an option.  But I don’t think I’m there yet. (I went briefly last June when some serious losses were going on, and it helped immensely.  I was in and out quickly, and it served it’s purpose well).  I am VERY wary of the hospital, because I have been a bit of a hospital addict in the past. Also, I would HATE to go to the hospital when my therapist is out sick.  I don’t want her to think she can’t be sick or have time away from the office without my going to the hospital.  I have been seeing her about five years now, and I’ve only been in the hospital once, so I suppose that isn’t realistic.  The first few years I did live in a residential care facility, which made hospitalization not as needed.  I chose to make the RCF a safe place for me, even though at the beginning I didn’t want to stop injuring.  I could have harmed myself there if I wanted to (we weren’t locked, there were things around to use etc.), but I chose not to.  Also, there were staff there 24/7 so there was always someone to talk to.  My friends all lived there too, and I could talk to them.

Right now, I know I won’t injure. I would hate to let my roommate down like that. I would hate to let myself down like that. I have too many goals.  Hopefully by the time I reach my goals, I will have more goals, and less desire to harm myself.

Sigh.