I wish this site were more active. I really like knowing I can come to a trigger free place. Sometimes I purposefully go to triggering places, I guess as a way of mentally self harming, but sometimes (like now) I know I HAVE to stay away from the triggers, or my thoughts might turn into actions. Also, I’m a fairly creative person, and I often use triggering places to help me think of new ways to self harm. This is not good.
I was supposed to see my therapist last week, but I couldn’t. She is out of the office, and no one knows when she will return. (she injured her foot and had surgery). This is not great for me right now–I really need to talk to her, but I can’t. I know if things get desperate I can call and talk to the after hours person, but doing that scares me too. I have no idea what they will say. I did get to see my med provider this week, and he said if I need to talk before my therapist returns (we are both hoping she will be back in time for my next scheduled appointment on the 31st), I can always call and make an appointment with him. This is good to know. But I don’t want to need to do that either.
I have been clean for six and a half years, and I don’t want to lose that. I am also reaching towards some very good goals, and I want to make those goals happen. I am starting to think like I used to though–when I meet goal A, B and/or C, then I can injure a little bit. But, not until I reach those goals because injury could prevent those goals from happening. I know that if I give in even once to the self harm, my goals will no longer matter so much. I also know, that once I reach goals A,B AND C, I will have more goals, and injury will also not fit in with those.
The goals I am working on now are 1) buy a house–this is getting to the stressful part. I got the long application for a loan yesterday, and I have to gather a TON of paperwork to send in with the application. It is very daunting, but doable. 2) My roommate and I are planning a vacation. This will be a really fun time, and we are both very excited for it. It won’t happen until late June/early July, but I have to be healthy for it! 3) Find a decent job. I have a great job. Well it was great. But, then I got a TON of hours reduced (through no fault of my own), and now it isn’t quite so great–I used to work 14 hours a week, now I work 3.5 hours a week. This means I need a job with more hours–especially if I want to buy a house. Sigh.
So, I’ve got some good goals, but my thoughts are turning to self harm more and more. I will be 40 on Friday, and I don’t want to harm myself after I am 40. But, my birthday is a rough time of year for me. I know if the thoughts get too bad, and I am too likely to act on them, the hospital may be an option. But I don’t think I’m there yet. (I went briefly last June when some serious losses were going on, and it helped immensely. I was in and out quickly, and it served it’s purpose well). I am VERY wary of the hospital, because I have been a bit of a hospital addict in the past. Also, I would HATE to go to the hospital when my therapist is out sick. I don’t want her to think she can’t be sick or have time away from the office without my going to the hospital. I have been seeing her about five years now, and I’ve only been in the hospital once, so I suppose that isn’t realistic. The first few years I did live in a residential care facility, which made hospitalization not as needed. I chose to make the RCF a safe place for me, even though at the beginning I didn’t want to stop injuring. I could have harmed myself there if I wanted to (we weren’t locked, there were things around to use etc.), but I chose not to. Also, there were staff there 24/7 so there was always someone to talk to. My friends all lived there too, and I could talk to them.
Right now, I know I won’t injure. I would hate to let my roommate down like that. I would hate to let myself down like that. I have too many goals. Hopefully by the time I reach my goals, I will have more goals, and less desire to harm myself.
Sigh.
Hello– Just wanted to let you know that I identify so much with so much that you have to say. I have been, slips aside, safe, for about the same amount of time, am also on the cusp of my 40th birthday, and one of the big stressors in my life at the moment is figuring out if I really do want to by an apartment, where I want to buy it…. all the things that buying one might mean to me. And work hours are a big stressor– though because I have too many hours rather than too few. And family stuff, as always. How I landed on this page now– thinking about missing my therapist– I will see him tomorrow but I got pretty stressed a couple weeks ago so haven’t really been able to talk– like some other version of me has seen him and I’m worried that the regular version of me won’t be able to get there again… and I feel guilty that I am already stepping out of work for a couple hours to do another therapy intake late morning…. then I will leave work a hair early (as usual) to see him. ….and I’ve been sick all weekend. I think the big stressor undermined my immune system (I know it), but also- my work place is very dusty and I’ve developed an allergy… and thinking about– where will I live!!! Have to leave the rental I’ve been in for 17 years at the end of the summer…. But I was thinking– safe. I just want to be safe. All I care about is being safe. At least I’m safe. I’m so grateful to be safe. ……you talking about plans to SI after you meet goals. I tend to find that if I can just put it off that help. Any sort of not today- later. And goals- like vacation won’t be fun. Take Care.
Thank you so much for replying. It’s nice to know someone read this. I am sorry you are going through a similar struggle. I don’t have a time limit to be out of my apartment, but I am very much wanting to be in my own house soon. My roommate also wants to be in a house soon.
I now have two jobs. My law job, with almost no hours, and another job with more hours. I really enjoy my new job, and I may eventually quit the law job. I would quit it right now if I weren’t concerned that quitting the law job might affect my ability to get a home loan. Sigh.
I still haven’t been able to see my therapist. She tried once to come back for half days, but that didn’t work for her–she was still in too much pain, so she is still out. I ran into her while shopping last weekend, and she was hobbling around on her crutches. She said she hoped to be back in the office by this week. I REALLY hope so. My next scheduled appointment is the 18th of April, and if she’s not back by then, I don’t know what I’ll do.
I do find that telling myself I can’t injure now, but maybe after I hit certain goals I can really helps. By the time I reach those goals, I usually have no more desire to injure. The longer I can put it off the better, because eventually I will be in a place where I can decide not to injure at all. Of course, I found some new and interesting ways to self harm while looking for triggers,and I am curious to try them–but at least right now, I know I won’t.
I know how you feel. I am 34 years old and have not self-harmed for 7 months. But it is getting harder and harder to not give in to the urges. I have been in the hospital multiple times also. Sometimes that safe place is necessary. So what is your secret to making it so long without self-injuring? I struggle everyday. do you also?