I just watched a very triggering episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I have been doing lots of things to trigger myself lately. It doesn’t help that it is my bad time of year. It’s exactly 20 years since the really bad stuff happened, so it’s not as bad as it used to be. Time and therapy and such have made things better. Of course, there are some things going on right now that are not of my making that are triggering me. And, I guess that makes me want to seek out more triggering things.
I have not, nor am I planning to hurt myself. But, I am thinking lots of thoughts. And, probably feeling lots of feelings–and probably trying to avoid feeling those feelings.
I have come a long way in the last six and a half years!! Six and a half years ago, I entered a RCF (residential care facility) for the mentally ill. I was there for three years, and I have been on my own for three and a half years now. (with a great roommate whom I met at the RCF). Before the RCF, I was in the hospital one week every month (all self harm related, sometimes psych sometimes not). I have been in the hospital only once these past six years–last June, when I needed a quick med tune up. It was a quick in and out. I was going to think of it as a failure, but then I realized it was a success. I got the help I needed before hurting myself, and I didn’t stay forever–I left as soon as I was better.
Now, I’m trying to buy a house (and I’ll rent a room to my roommate, because I wouldn’t be where I am now without her). This is a good thing, but kinda scary too. But, it’s not what is triggering me. It is my goal that is keeping me going. Whenever I think about self harm, or other forms of self sabotage, I think about my goal of owning a house. Then I realize that if I do bad things to myself, I might not reach that goal. Right now, I am very close to reaching that goal (starting to fill out mortgage applications and look at houses), so I will NOT let myself get in the way of owning a house!!