I posted last week when I hadn’t posted in maybe a year. I still haven’t had a relapse in action and the relapse of repetitive thoughts/urges is less of a problem then it was last week. But last week I was attributing an uptick in urges to going off meds. I also said that my work situation couldn’t be more ideal. That’s has I was feeling. In retrospect I can see that as suspicious thinking because it’s very black and white– I was reporting All White. Yesterday my therapist pointed out to me that in my last job I didn’t have these problems… I was telling him I’m ok until the second I stop working then the urges rush in and are sticky and difficult and exhausting. My new job…. There are ways in which it isn’t very good for me. My last job was simple. I’ve now skipped way ahead in my career, but there’s a lot of pressure to do everything perfectly– with “perfectly” meaning to the specs of my boss’ whims. And my boss isn’t the most ethical person, which is a little hard for me too. Overall, I’m getting great experience and I’m building a department. I don’t want to leave. I think it would be easy for me to get a different job… I think I stand out at the level I am because I am someone who would be much higher if life problems hadn’t interfered so much… Which is a perfect example of feel great about myself (I’m smart, I stand out) and feel less than (I am what’s left of a person after going through so much)…. I really have no answer. If I had physical health problems it would be easy to say my limitation is X….. But I don’t know how to say, or it there is even a way to say- I have to leave the office the office at 6- cannot stay late because my mental health suffers too much if I don’t have time to meet my other needs…. I mean- no way am I going to say that. Is there some version of that that can be said? And there are big projects with fast-paced deadlines and I am in charge. …that sounds like it’s just too big of a job for my wellbeing. I can hire extra help, but as more people come on ideas get bigger and I am still in charge. I also get interrupted constantly- more often by my boss than anyone else. I’ve started to say to him – can’t talk now- I have too much work to do. That works. But the old job where all I did was focus was good for my mind. Interruptions and shards of experience aren’t good for my mind. I isn’t good for my mind to not have time to exercise. It isn’t good for my mind to work 6-7 days a week. Those are at least concrete bits of information that I have to work with. But I’m pretty confused about navigating.