I am coin. Two sides. I have been safe for a really long time. Minor slip-up, but it’s been years that I’ve been able to maintain. I went off meds. When you have been on meds for years you don’t know what they were doing, until they are gone. They were helping me. I’m more easily triggered without them. I can mostly control my behavior. Even if one side of me does not want to control it. Part of me wants to let go. Part of me has picked all these places and just want to release into it, to nose dive. My thoughts have gotten… like the more I think about it the more the thoughts come. I can interrupt the thoughts with yoga. And somewhat interrupt them with work. At work what I need is to be left alone and allowed to just focus. I can remember to protect myself from interruption at work. I will be doing a lot of computer stuff– my plan will be to put my headphones in and listen to my yoga music. I’ve worked really, really, really hard to be well. I left an abusive relationship. I continue to navigate a difficult relationship with my son. I went from being a woman who didn’t have keys to her own house, her own wallet, no friends, to being someone who learned to call the cops when needed– to being free to move around in the world. When I think back to then I seem like I’m in a new universe now. I’ve built a career that couldn’t be more perfect. I have a team of people working under my supervision. I learn and grow. What I always wanted was involvement with a group of other serious yoga students. I even have that now. This is all part of why I thought I didn’t need the medication. I thought I was better. I don’t want to need medication. Off it I had one serious crash, then I came out of it and thought I’d wait to see if it was a one-time thing. Now I haven’t gotten as mentally off-track as the last time, but I am having a hard time. This started Friday. It’s Monday now. That’s a long time to keep righting myself and righting myself. I wouldn’t make it without help. I don’t talk to my friends about stuff like this. But I have a responsive therapist. Not great that today is a holiday, but I will live. Thinking back to the past reminds me of how far I have come. And I am proud of having coming so far. But the aspect that I could still get like this, despite all the change makes me feel badly about myself. I guess I can just keep my thoughts on proud side. At my work there’s a woman there who calls me “smiley” because I always seem so happy. That makes me really, really happy. A sort-of friend and new person and I started a book group. I was the one at the table with the unrelenting positive outlook. I take very good care of my physical health. I work all the time on my emotional and spiritual health. I’m writing because I want to stay on the right track. Because I can make a plan– listen to music at work to block out distraction then after work I will go to yoga. If I get overwhelmed still I can always leave a message for my therapist. Tomorrow I will make an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I already talked to her and my therapist at the same time so my therapist could tell her things I could not. She is going to help me get so things aren’t so hard. It doesn’t have to be as hard as this. In the meantime, I have all the tools I need to keep going. I just have to get through this patch. My thoughts might tell me that if I just release into what they want things will get easier, but that isn’t true. If I give in it will just get harder. It’s always like that. And it will be hard to go to yoga if I’m hurt. I have that as a solid reason to stay on this side. Somehow those thoughts are also me. I don’t know why. Why would *I* want that? Thinking about that is actually slowing me down a bit now, in a good way. I don’t want to hurt me.