Hello.

I’m completely new to this blog — really to blogging at all.  But I need to reach out somehow, to someone.

I’m 50 years old, educated, work in the arts.   I haven’t gone down the road of SI since I was an early teen.  But my 20 year marriage, that I thought was absurdly good, has just blown up.  It may survive; it may not.  But I feel helpless, lost, like the ground under my feet has been quicksand for years and I never noticed.

I feel … disposable.  And irrelevant.

I’m not suicidal.  I feel a mild urge that way but can’t do that to those around me.  My mother is an 86 year old recent widow, and I’m an only child … if I committed suicide it would kill her, too .. and I can’t be responsible for that, no matter how much pain I’m in.

But the urge to hurt myself has come roaring back.  I desperately want to self-injure.  I am broken and afraid and I don’t know if I can resist this.  I’ve been reading some of the self help sites, trying to resist … but I fear my resistance is crumbling fast.  I’ve taken the sharp things out of the room, and I’m trying to distract myself.  But I’m struggling.