I’m completely new to this blog — really to blogging at all. But I need to reach out somehow, to someone.
I’m 50 years old, educated, work in the arts. I haven’t gone down the road of SI since I was an early teen. But my 20 year marriage, that I thought was absurdly good, has just blown up. It may survive; it may not. But I feel helpless, lost, like the ground under my feet has been quicksand for years and I never noticed.
I feel … disposable. And irrelevant.
I’m not suicidal. I feel a mild urge that way but can’t do that to those around me. My mother is an 86 year old recent widow, and I’m an only child … if I committed suicide it would kill her, too .. and I can’t be responsible for that, no matter how much pain I’m in.
But the urge to hurt myself has come roaring back. I desperately want to self-injure. I am broken and afraid and I don’t know if I can resist this. I’ve been reading some of the self help sites, trying to resist … but I fear my resistance is crumbling fast. I’ve taken the sharp things out of the room, and I’m trying to distract myself. But I’m struggling.