Hello.
I’m completely new to this blog — really to blogging at all. But I need to reach out somehow, to someone.
I’m 50 years old, educated, work in the arts. I haven’t gone down the road of SI since I was an early teen. But my 20 year marriage, that I thought was absurdly good, has just blown up. It may survive; it may not. But I feel helpless, lost, like the ground under my feet has been quicksand for years and I never noticed.
I feel … disposable. And irrelevant.
I’m not suicidal. I feel a mild urge that way but can’t do that to those around me. My mother is an 86 year old recent widow, and I’m an only child … if I committed suicide it would kill her, too .. and I can’t be responsible for that, no matter how much pain I’m in.
But the urge to hurt myself has come roaring back. I desperately want to self-injure. I am broken and afraid and I don’t know if I can resist this. I’ve been reading some of the self help sites, trying to resist … but I fear my resistance is crumbling fast. I’ve taken the sharp things out of the room, and I’m trying to distract myself. But I’m struggling.
Hey there- I am with you! I just turned 50 myself and here I am! You sound very scared and I know that feeling. Do you have anyone to talk to? family or friends to confide in about all that you are dealing with? Doing this seems to help. Know that there are others out there supporting you- even if it is just via the interest and this site. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are just trying to deal with some crap in your life. It is good that you are seeking out articles and self-help. One step and one day at a time! Hugs.
Thanks, for your response — this just feels so ABSURD at this age!!!
Nobody in person to talk to; but a few online friends are propping me up right now. Enough that I’m able to resist — mostly — the SI urges.
I thought I’d left this impulse to self harm behind almost 40 years ago … never imagined it would come back. But then, I never imagined most of the last 72 hours.
So sorry your marriage is on uncertain grounds. You’re in a difficult place and it sounds like so many emotions are boiling up within you now. I’m only in my late 20’s, but also someone who thought they left SI behind in their teens and somehow the urges returned when emotions and circumstances became too much. It’s great that you are reaching out, looking at self – help sites and resources, and taken sharp items out of the room. Something that has helped me is to recite a list of colors, flowers, plants, animals, etc. until the urge is either gone or, at the very least, manageable. One minute, one day, one week at a time. Hopefully this helps a little.