I can’t stop thinking of death. One part of me says it won’t solve anything and the other part says it’s going to cure everything. When you think about death it should scare you and it does scare me but the thought of pain makes everything better. I want to live to see my first baby. I want to know what it feels like to be happy again. I injure myself because anything is better than your words that have ripped my heart out. When all I want to do is reach out for help I can’t. No one knows but me. No one knows my pain. No one knows the triggers i have. I have scares. They are still painful. Sometimes you just need a reminder you can feel a different pain. That pain that you feel is almost your happy. I found a reason to stop injuring. My reason isn’t working. I thought of the faces of my future kids and how o.e day when they are older they will ask about my scares and how I couldn’t expose my kids to that. I thought of the face of my so called fiance when he knew. How much it would hurt him if he knew he was the reason why. I’m not sure if it’s love or hate sometimes. I never go through a day not wanting to talk to someone or have a little support. I know I wasn’t really mentally stable before him but now there’s no second guessing I need help. The sick part is I want help without losing him. As crazy as it sounds I still love him and I know he would be better off without me but I can’t do it. I can’t let him walk away without me. He will claim I did nothing but mess him up and I’m not denying it but I’m not the only one who made mistakes. I am me and I always allow myself to be beat up and used. It’s my second nature. You can argue if it is just a female mind set but those who say that male and female alike have no idea what it means to mentally die every second and lose everything righteous that you have had in your life. This is more than watching a person’s life being taken. This act is slowly watching yours be taken by something you can’t control even if the pain is caused by yourself.