Every once and awhile, I hurt. When I’m at work, I put a rubber band on my wrist just without thinking. When I get home, that’s when my gut is squeezing. I look at myself, realize that on my wrist is the rubber band, and my awareness of my body triples. I start to feel my heart beating in spots that I wasn’t expecting. Where nobody should every feel their heart beating. Those are the places where my skin calls.
I feel happy, most days, but then every once and awhile, I hurt. I think right now, I’m confused, I’m not sure what my future has in hold for me. I’m fighting with myself about my sexuality. I have only been in a relationship with a male, but I have loved both a male and a female. I feel like I may be bisexual. I want to try to explore this, but I am not sure what to do if my family were to find out.
I’m just confused. But due to all this confusion it makes me want to find some sort of control for how to fix these feelings. I know what I want to do isn’t the right decision. So maybe I’ll try dating other females? But I’m really not sure.
I just need some light on what to do, or I need something so I don’t feel like SI is the only option…
I’ll become a butterfly one day.
-ButterflyChick
Have you ever considered singleness? 🙂 I have been in a dating relationship once, and thankfully, it ended well, so the guy and I don’t hate each other in the slightest (we are still very close friends). I myself have been single for several years and truly, it’s not as bad as it might sound. While I don’t deny that I do get lonely from time to time, there are ways to at least keep it from bogging a person down so that it does not become an every day feeling, but rather, something that will just crop up occasionally. The social part is easy… friends… and regarding touch, holding babies, dogs, pillows, are fantastic when I long to be held. When my friends are around, we do hug each other, so that helps the touch side of things as well. Gift giving… yes, I have friends who insist on spending money on me because that is what they love to do. One does it so much we have been mistaken for dating once by someone, and I’ve had to correct that he is just my friend :). I think it is more miserable to date just to try and fill some lonely void, because everyone else is doing it, or because someone seriously thinks their life won’t be complete without it. I can also focus fully on what to do with my life, without being tied down by a dating relationship. Truly, singleness is not all that bad. I’m not closed off to dating, it’s just not something I have to have in my life. I take it seriously because my heart is not to be toyed with. Regarding ideas for battling the urge of SI, I do everything from prayer to making tea to reaching out to friends to holding something comforting to writing stories. Try and think of what comforts you rather than harms you, and make a list of those things so you have it for when those urges strike.