I am having a hard day. I am under a tone of pressure and I am creating the pressure, I think. But I want to move my life forward. My therapist told me something about enjoying the process- I want to hold onto that. Also, there is a family member I am being triggered by- I don’t like some of his choices. I have needed him out of the house- away from me- so I can get a grip myself. He has been visiting a lot and it’s been wonderful- but it’s not wonderful for me right now. It isn’t just about his choices- those are a little minor- but he’s about to undergo a huge transition in living situation. It’s my son. He’s leaving a residential treatment facility where he has been for about a year and transition to therapeutic foster care. And I’ve been having difficulty communicating- his p-doc was away last week and there was a min-crisis and it was hard to get in touch with the person covering. And trying to find a new family therapist and place a refers to place b and place b refer to place a…. This may or may not be true but it seems to me that at some point we were referred out of most of the MH places in our city…. and the person at the facility who is supposed to be helping isn’t helpful. But I know the next step. I only ever have to know the next step. I don’t need to drive myself so hard with work and study. I’m getting exercise. Getting out of the house. Taking medication. And I know that if I give in and do something to hurt myself it won’t actually make the urges pass- it will feed them. If I want them to go away I need to remember that I am in control of my hands. That managing myself is the first priority. I cleaned my house to make myself feel better. I have been neglecting a non-self-inflicted injury and am in pain. What I want it just to be able to stay balanced. But I remember the days when it felt like everything was coming apart- I don’t feel like everything is coming apart. That’s because I have earned a safe and stable living situation (major triggers eliminated) and because I can remember, sort of, different states. I know, at least intellectually, that SI is often not on my radar. It’s just there right now. It is going to pass. But I’m having difficulty managing myself. Like, literally, I don’t know what to do with me right now. I was studying– trying to get much more out of a course I am taking than I really need, but I want it… but tired too- so I had my book and computer open was taking note then let myself just play candy crush. Then the urges were getting really bad and I felt tired so I went to lay down. I know as long as I lay still and don’t move I can’t get hurt. So I was just laying there, like hiding. I thought rest was important for me. But I didn’t fall asleep and my mind was honing in on dark places, so I got up and got my computer and now I am typing. I could go back to taking notes….. I don’t know what to do. I’m home alone, which isn’t great, but I don’t have anything dangerous here. I don’t know what to do. I want to be ok, but I do not feel ok. maybe it’s ok to not feel ok.