I want to hurt. I want this to stop. I want to finally figure out the reason I continue to get these urges that drive me to a place of self – harm. How does one allow their self to be vulnerable without falling apart?
I want to hurt. I want this to stop. I want to finally figure out the reason I continue to get these urges that drive me to a place of self – harm. How does one allow their self to be vulnerable without falling apart?
I have asked myself that same question, falling apart is scary because we are letting deep emotions out. I’m going to assume, based on my own personal experience and from what I have heard from others, that you are afraid to cry? Perhaps that is what you mean by falling apart? Perhaps you think that you will cry and won’t stop? If this is the case, let me reassure you, coming from a person who has literally laid facedown on her bed and wailed so hard it sounded as if I was laughing, I did stop crying. And, I did feel better after that. Let me also assume that you are afraid your emotions will kill you. I myself have felt this way as well. While emotions can certainly feel unpleasant and overwhelming, people die because of an accident, bad health, someone else’s hand, their own hand, or those rare unexpected cases in sleep. Never have I heard of someone dying and the cause of death was that they felt too much of a certain emotion. I understand the fear of falling apart. Even though I know now there is nothing to be afraid of, in the moment of emotional overload, what I know and what I feel are two totally different things. It’s in that time that I have to remember to let my logic, not my feelings, take control. I’m still a work in progress, believe me. I still slip up during those times when I let my feelings take control of me rather than what I know to be true.
Reading your words are reassuring. Thank you so much for sharing. It is still hard to imagine that I would be able to let myself just cry. It’s like I am unable to. I can recall the exact number of times on one hand that I have cried in the last 10 months – and recall the exact situation and reason why I started to cry. And even in those moments, it wasn’t very much. It wasn’t a full release of emotions. It was still very restrained and held back. I don’t necessarily think that my emotions will kill me. It’s that I’m afraid of what I may do to myself when I let all those emotions out. I have no where that I feel I can let all those emotions out where it would be safe to do so – and maybe one person who would be supportive of that release.