My therapist and I are working on trying to identify what are the motivating factors that drive my self – injurious behaviors. Reading through some of the material that she has provided has been difficult. The list of possible motivations for self – injury are just enough to rekindle the urge to harm. There are some forms of self – injury that I engage in but would have never thought to be self – injury. I continue to struggle with this internal battle over will I harm or not. I want to just cover my head with my blankets and sleep until it’s over. It’s almost like I need to feel the constant pain to remind me that I’m still here, this is real, and that I am still alive.
I want to be vulnerable and just say out loud to my therapist the things I’m thinking. I want to be vulnerable, but I am so afraid that if I allow myself to do so, I am going to fall into a pit and unintentionally, or even intentionally, crumble into unrepairable pieces. And the thing that makes this an oxymoron: I want to be that vulnerable, to let all of the heavy weight go, and trust that someone will hold me up when I am no longer able to. I want to be able to cry tears of release instead of only the tears of pain that I have come to know so well.
All while battling this urge to keep from harming, I battle with trying to keep the marks covered and hidden not just from my co-workers or therapist, but also from my husband who only is aware of one of the ways I use self – injury. I went too the last few times. Left more to cover than I intended. I just want it to stop. When does it stop? I started over 10 years ago. When will it stop?