I am a 47 year old woman and only began S.I. a year ago. Unfortunately it has progressed to something I am losing control of. It started with a few injuries and has gotten much worse.
I started to heal the immense pain I felt in my heart, I am now afraid it has become a monster I can not control. The need to SI constantly simmers and my mind is always searching for a new way. I understand we are not to explain what we have done but this last episode has made me afraid to be alone by myself.
I am all alone in this as the group counseling nor my family has any clue what I am going through and always tells me, “just don’t do it”. Easier said than done. I am lost, my injuries hurts and my mind is spinning… is there any peace from this path I am on?
It may feel like you are all alone, but you aren’t. It is so hard to believe this – even as I type these words, I find myself asking if this is something I believe as well. I started SI over 10 years ago, stopped for several years, and started again several months ago. SI has a knack for making you feel like you are all alone in this, like there is no other explanation for why you self – harm, and making it seem like there is no other way out. Reading though your post, I see some similarities in where I’ve been and where I’m at with my SI. Often times I don’t know the exact reason for the urges, but I do know that I feel conflicted, overwhelmed with sadness or frustration, a tension in my chest, or sometimes nothing at all. It’s these lingering feelings that often fuel an episode. Are you working with a counselor/therapist one – on – one? It may help to look into the possibility of past trauma (repressed and/or known). Finding ways to distract yourself and to refocus your mind on the present seems to help me – making lists of different things (like lists of different colors or countries), baking, cleaning, gardening, going for a walk, creating art or music, walking around a store. Hopefully you find some comfort soon.