It’s been years since I have been on, but I need to get this out. I apologize in advance for it being so long. I know I don’t really know anyone on here but I need to let someone know.
It has been about a year and a half since I last gave in to the urges. They have not gone away but I have stopped letting them win. Today it is really hard to fight them. I just want to let them win this time. I want to give in so badly but I feel like I have no right. It would be a waste of the last year and a half, right?
I have been through so much garbage in my life. Nothing recently, but I can’t let go of the past. I try and I try and I try so hard. I keep the hurt inside, my husband doesn’t know how much I still hurt from the past. It’s not his fault, in fact he is the reason that all the bad stuff stopped so long ago. It was SO long ago but I wake up sometimes (like this morning) feeling like it was just last night. I don’t know what to do. Today the urge is so strong…I feel like I can’t breathe. I am home alone which I know is not good, but my husband is at work and my son is staying with my brother today.
The one person I want to talk to right now is my older sister, but I don’t know how. See, she is fighting the same urges everyday, for sooo much longer than I have. She is two weeks away from making it a year without giving in, and I don’t want to mess that up for her by bringing my fight to her. Everyone thinks that my urges have gone away, but the never have. EVER. I don’t think they ever will.
The problem I have today is caused by a stupid dream last night, and the night before, and all the nights for the last few months. I had done so well at trying not to remember what I went through, not thinking about the man that caused me so much pain and fear. I let myself be taken advantage of for 7 months because I didn’t talk to anyone. I explained briefly in my post from 3 years ago, but I keep feeling the need to let it out again, to make someone hear my side. So you can skip the next paragraph if you want, it’s purely for my benefit.
I was 19, getting ready to go to college, I was living with my best friend and her parents. She had already left the night it happened. She went to school 4 hours away and hers started a week before mine. I was going to school only 50 minutes away, and planned on coming home every weekend to work. The first night it happened was two nights before I was leaving for school. I was talking to the man who was like a father to me, and since things happened that caused a falling out between me and my dad, he was the only one I felt I really had at the time. I was having a serious discussion with him because I was realizing that I was having feelings for other girls. He sat and listened and I thought it was a good talk with “my dad.” Turns out I was very very wrong. He tells me that I probably feel this way because I hadn’t had a “good boyfriend,” one who “treated me right.” He tells me to follow him, I thought he was going to show me something that would help me with what I was going through. He takes me to the back porch and starts kissing me rather forcefully. I pulled back and said “your wife is upstairs.” I thought that would be enough to make him stop, but he just said “she’s asleep she won’t come down.” I got scared then, the most scared I have ever been. I didn’t know what was happening, I didn’t know how to make it stop. All the things going through my mind like: “He’s bigger than me, I can’t push him off,” “What if his wife, the one who I consider a mom, comes downstairs?” “What if my best friend finds out?” “What if I yell?” “What is happening?” “How do I make it stop?” I kept trying to figure out how to make him stop kissing me and it didn’t work. He finally stopped on his own and I continued to protest and he kept telling me “it’s okay I’ll show you how a man is supposed to treat you.” And he went on about how he had seen me get out of the shower one day through a crack in the curtain from outside and has “wanted” me ever since that day. He took my hand and had me follow him outside to his camper where he molested me. I don’t know how long it was before he finally stopped, I just tried not to think about anything. I was crying the whole time. When he did stop, and he saw me crying he started apologizing. Saying “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done any of that. That was wrong. I won’t ever do it again.” and he took me into a hug and I believed what he said was true. That it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again. I went and cried myself to sleep that night with so many emotions going through my head. I injured that night. The next night, I was watching t.v. before I went to bed. His wife was almost always in bed before me and this was a normal night. He came home from work and sat down on the couch next to me like would happen often and we would finish the show and each go to our beds. This was not a normal night. This night he reached over and started touching me. He wouldn’t stop, I kept telling him I didn’t want to do this and he kept saying, “I won’t do this if you don’t want to” I said I didn’t want to but he kept on, it seemed like forever, and then he started taking clothes off. I finally realized that it wasn’t going to stop so then I thought to myself “I’ll just let him have it and get it over with.” He got what he wanted and the same thing happened again, I was crying through it all and he apologized, promising it wouldn’t happen again, and again I believed him. After all he was like my dad, right? Wrong. Similar scenarios happened every weekend for almost the whole school year. I started just going to bed when his wife went to bed, hoping that he wouldn’t risk anything with her in the next room instead of upstairs. I was wrong, again. Then she started working late every Friday night, so I didn’t have any thoughts of “maybe he won’t this time.” I started dating a guy in the middle of this, but the whole time I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone because I would lose my best friend and her mom, who had become like my own. I started spending as much time with my boyfriend as I could to deter this man from trying it anymore. I went down to only working every 2 weekends so that I wouldn’t have to come home every weekend. It seemed to only make him more hungry. In the meantime my boyfriend and I broke up, and circumstances lead me back to a guy who I had dated off and on for years but we had always stayed close. One weekend I got a text from a friend who asked if I was on Facebook right then, I said “No, I’m at work.” She told me that someone was on my Facebook then, and was being really creepy. She said they were telling her about how I wanted to sleep with my best friends dad, how I saw him in the shower, and all kinds of nasty details. I knew then that he had gotten on my computer somehow. He denied it for a long time. Finally he admitted that it was him. He had talked like this to about 20 of my friends. My roommates, classmates, etc. I finally decided that I was going to go and talk to his wife and tell her what has been happening because I couldn’t take it anymore. I was to the point where I would rather die than go back to that man’s house (and I thought about the death option a lot). He got to her first though. He made her believe that it was all my idea, that I came onto him, that I seduced him. She believed it. When I got the call from her my whole world shattered. Not long after I got a message from my best friend. Again, my life, my heart, my world, it all shattered. I felt like I had nothing. I was not planning on coming home. Or going anywhere ever again. I was going to end it, all of it. My roommates saved my life. They never left me by myself. The made me talk to my boyfriend. He said to come and stay with him. So I did. He had me meet with my parents, who welcomed me back into their lives with open arms after hearing my story. They weren’t mad. They love me. Really love me. That’s when I realized that I loved this boy that I had dated off and on for years. He is now my husband, the father of my beautiful son. It sounds like a wonderful ending to a bad nightmare. But it’s not.
The nightmare goes on. I had gotten over it for so long, but for some reason I keep having these horrible dreams, and he is there. Always there. I keep dreaming he gets a job where I work, so I have to see him everyday. I keep having dreams where the only thing I know, is that he is there in my life somehow and I have an overwhelming feeling that I have to protect my son from him. I keep having dreams, that seem REALLY good until I wake up and realize that it was actually a nightmare, because I didn’t really have the chance to explain my side to my best friend. She didn’t really believe me over her dad. I really did lose her forever. I wake up feeling good until I realized that it was all a dream. This morning I woke up from a night that had parts of all of my nightmares. And being alone doesn’t help anything. I don’t know what to do right now. How do I make these dreams stop? How do I stop letting him have so much control over my life, my emotions, my health? Please, I need some advice?