I began injuring myself when I was about 13 years old and continued to for another 7 – 8 years. It was a struggle to stop, but was so easy to keep self – injuring when no one knew about it for the first 4 years. It was a friend. A friend that was always going to be there to comfort me when on one else was. When I started to let a very small few know about this friend, I only felt shame that I had to hide this vice. However, even through the shame, injuring was still there to help abate the feelings of sadness, guilt, anger, shame, frustration, restlessness, and loneliness. It was there to help me sleep on restless nights spent turning over wrinkled sheets and was there when I had no one to talk to, even though everyone could talk to me.
When I was finally able to stop one form of injuring, another took it’s place for 6 years. I started injuring again three months ago as a 26 – year old woman who is a successful behavioral analytic therapist. I struggle with the fact that I am still dealing with SI as an adult – a behavior that is common among teens and little talked about as something that adults deal with. My husband knows that I have started injuring again, but has not been very supportive. He has told me that he thinks my therapist has caused me to start SI again and is making me “worse”. I am unable to talk to him about the SI, nor anyone else except for my therapist, who I think is as stumped as I am about why I am hurting myself and what the triggers are. The last time I used SI, I was sitting on the couch looking up information on zip – lining with the news on as background noise when I suddenly was overcome with the urge to injure. As the next 30 minutes progressed, it only became stronger, but for no apparent reason.
It is questions like this that frustrate me. Questions like, why, after all these years, have I returned to hurting myself in such a way that is more difficult to hide. Why is my husband so angry when I try to bring up topics about how I am hurting myself, about how depressed I was and still sometimes get, and angry that I am seeing a therapist when he once was learning how to be one.