It’s not like I have cravings anymore… so I’m more just creating a message to express myself. To distract myself from feeling the pain that can lead to the horrible feelings of loneliness.

I just want to keep talking to my ex. My ex in which  I loved and fell in love with and for all I know, I still love. I haven’t thought about it, I just want to talk to him. I think I’m past the the anger stage, and just to the missing page. We are talking right now, through Facebook. But it gets harder to wait to respond, and I just don’t know anymore. He gave me a message earlier today saying that he has listened to music to help “get through the breakup”. I can’t even talk about the breakup, I still feel empty and alone then. I know it’s better, but I still can’t help it.

So here’s my message to him, the one that he will never receive because I cannot make the next step.

“We’re talking again, if you count Facebook only and me not responding to text messages talking. I still am trying to protect myself. Considering you broke up with me out of nowhere, you should accept that. But when we are talking right now, I just try to get through one conversation after another. I want to tell you more about my life, but I just get stopped. I can’t tell you anything, not without breaking my heart again. But you don’t ask me things like you used to, not the deep things. Not the things that really matter. But I miss that, and I don’t think I can ever find that feeling again. I was so used to it and now I am single. Thanks to you. I’m so sorry about everything, but I don’t know anymore. I wait for you, hoping that you will call or give me some flowers. I just feel like you gave up, and didn’t fight for me anymore. That’s all I ever wanted, was for you to fight. But you gave up, when you told me you would always fight… that hurts, I thought I was worth it. But I guess you didn’t think so… I miss you, but I don’t know if I love you anymore. I love you.”

I miss you…