Crisis lines magnify my anxiety and shame and I’m not ready for group therapy, but I need to say something,  I need a response because I’m afraid of what I’m doing to myself.

I don’t know what, if anything,  I expect to gain from this but it’s better than giving up right?

I am lonely,  but I’m surrounded by people who love me and want to see me better. My boyfriend tries so hard but I have personalitydisorders that inevitably cause me to push him and others away.  I don’t know what feels worse; not having someone but wanting the company,  or having someone who loves me only for me to self sabotage with all my irrational reasoning.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday and I still feel as insecure as I was when I was 12 y/o and beginning a cycle of self harm. With the emotion running hight the past two weeks,  I engaged in the SI behavior today.

To clarify, July ’14,  I moved to a new city to be with the person I love thinking it was a grand romantic gesture. A fun new adventure.  It wasn’t the sole reason but an incredible motivation to think I found love. Yet, 10 months later, I am basically friendless,  took a less pay and fewer hours at my new job, and am in unfamiliar surroundings.

I’m currently in weekly counseling sessions but it’s the in between time that is the worst. My mind and imagination become an oubliette, it feels so dark, deep and inescapable.