It has been October since I last self injured. Not going back to it and not taking up anything else bad, like other forms of self injury, is not easy.
I’m in regular therapy. I attended a group yoga session for the first time in months today. I am nearing the end of my degree program and will finish it sometime this summer. I am still waiting on word for PhD program, but since they are taking forever to tell me I am also sending out my resume to jobs just in case.
I’m beginning to realize it’s not that life magically gets permanently better, but that it gets better and then worse and then better and then worse again. It’s just that you need the coping mechanisms to handle the bad times that do not involve eating disorders, self-harm, smoking, substance abuse, and the like. It doesn’t make the problems go away to do yoga/deep breathing, go to therapy, or engage in work/school or story writing, or recite positive affirmations, or notice the beauty around you, or eat well. But it does make you better able to deal with life’s challenges. From the halfway point in undergrad, all I’d really been doing was just surviving. Here, I realized surviving is not enough. The most recent incident for sexual harassment I got over, mostly at least, in 9 months. But the parental stuff and the incident in childhood has taken much, much longer, as that really does impact how I live my life. Which makes sense. I buried the childhood incident for 13 years. I’m not going to get over it in one year.
I’ve had good therapists; I’ve had bad therapists. I was not crazy in thinking that the people I hung around were a huge influence on me, though I still maintain it’s my fault if I let them. To stop hanging out with the wrong people and start hanging out with the right people, and give new relationships a chance, is a challenge, but I think I can do it. My parents do lend a large part to my anxieties, particularly my mother. I think setting boundaries as I become more independent is going to be key here to keep me sane and all of us happy.
Yep. Time to go to bed now. 🙂