Tomorrow will be a month since the last time i self harmed. Im in online school and i have to ask for an intention to get all my work down. The pressure from not self harming is not as much as i thought i would be but it isn’t helping. Ive finally been gaining back trust with my second mom and the family but i don’t feel like i deserve it. I feel like at any second i could break it or do something stupid even if it could be breaking a nail. My head is spinning everywhere. 2 days ago i looked up my “ex” Facebook and i said everything i wish i could tell him and when i told myself i was a beautiful strong person i cried. I don’t think i believe but i said it out loud for the first time. But tomorrow will be my on month annervisery for not self harming. The longest I’ve gone is 3 months so I’m aiming for that again. Im trying my hardest to stay clean and it can be extremely hard. I was told by my consoling agency i have to change soon because its like a crisis consoling agency so its a 9 week program and i can’t get an extension useless theres immediate crisis or conser for pretty much for self harm or suicide. Im not sure how to feel about all of it. And i hate that its valentine day. My ex is a scizo drug addict how used me and gave me scars that my family hasn’t seen and never will. He’s the one who helped me when i first ran away. He introduced me into drugs and sex and he made me into a sexual play toy w/o me realizing it. Ive been thinking more and more and i want to message him and just yell at him and get it off my chest but i don’t know if i can or not. And I’m alone for valentines, the messed up part is that i talk with my ex-ex boyfriend and me and him have an awkward friendship like we are friends but only because he feels like he would be mean if he wasn’t friends with me. Idk thats my rant…..