I need to record this:
It went- super angry at therapist- feeling unsafe- urge to act dangerously. A week of building anger, and more and more urge.
That’s the important part- remembering the sequence. I think that if I ever get that messed up again it might be wise for me to look for anything I might be angry about- entirely possible that I generally don’t feel safe when I feel angry. And that when I don’t *feel* safe, I really want to perform not being safe.
This isn’t as important:
Then he *really* patched it up-
T: Let me ask you this, are you angry at me?
Me: I mean, I said I was when I came in here.
T: (small laugh) Well, I wonder if it feels safe to be angry at me?
Me: (confused, stunned expression)
T: Because I am Sure that it’s safe to be angry at me.
I’m sure we did more than that. We talked about recommitting. About recommitting every minute if that’s what it takes. And about how there’s only one of me- the same part talking to me gets to decide about your behavior.
And then I just started feeling better. And today, still, amazing to feel better.
It sort of felt good though- to be seen in that very raw position. To be in the way of relating where I am totally broken down, all cynicism is put aside- more earnest and deeply intimate. It’s something no one sees. (…..but maybe a place we all have?….)
Is the goal to be there without having to be broken? Intimacy, that’s what we all want out of life, right?
He felt far away and hard to access, that’s why I was angry. There’s stuff there, too.
I thought I didn’t want to be close to anyone.
…but also that isn’t real intimacy in a way because i really feel gagged and unable to speak when I feel broken- at least when I face it- when I don’t just shove it and carry on.