I had to delete everything I said because it was way too negative. I know I can vent and all, but I don’t have to be such a downer for everybody else. Basically, what I said minus all of the super depressing stuff in the middle is that I screwed up. I hurt myself and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m certain I will later, but all I really feel now is the urge to do it again. I didn’t do it tonight just to make that clear and I’ve been up all freaking night distracting myself and I’m exhausted.
What’s really freaking me out though was how I felt right before I hurt myself these last couple of times. I wasn’t panicky, I didn’t feel desperate or angry, I was just really calm. I felt empty and numb and I guess I feel like that a lot and then I get upset and cry or something, but I didn’t this time. I just walked over to where I had my tool and hurt myself. It didn’t even feel real. I woke up the nexr morning and it was almost like I didn’t even do it. And then I just did it again. It was almost like I did it just because.
I don’t know it that’s the norm for other people, but when I usually hurt myself it’s usually the classic case of overwhelming intense emotion that I don’t know how else to deal with. Like I’ll panic or stress over something or start shaking or something right before. This time it was calm, but I guess the usual element of self-hatred was just performing at a more tame level than usual. I don’t know if this even makes any sense, but the whole thing was just strange for me.
I think it was that my past couple of weeks have just been so stressful and overwhelming that it caught up to me and even though I’ve been trying not to hurt myself or say anything, it just happened anyway; it just happened in more suppressed manner if that makes sense. I’ve been pushing and cramming and shoving everything down and walking around like a shaken soda bottle ready to burst open, and what happened the other nights I think was a little bit leaking out the cap. I think I should probably talk to somebody. I think about it all the time, but I guess that’s not the same thing as really doing it. It just seems so daunting and scary.
By the way, I do feel bad about hurting myself now just like I said I would earlier. I feel really terrible about it actually. I really do need to talk to somebody you know. It’s just a matter of time until I really do burst open. What then? Who knows. I hope I never find out.
Goodnight and best wishes, I hope the best for all of you 🙂
P.S. Sorry if none of this makes any sense at all, it’s like 4:16am and I’m struggling to finish this as soon as possible because I have school tomorrow/today.