Unlike my last post, I’m not seeking a distraction or means to cope, but just to vent and maybe learn from those who have been here before. I have been obsessively checking my post since it was published. What am I looking for? I don’t really know. I just want to know what to do and if what I’ve been doing is right.
I refuse to tell my family about my SI, rely upon one friend (which is crazy unfair to her), and frequently despair at what sometimes feels like nothing. Last night I felt barren, like an empty waste field. I was so lonely, all I wanted was just somebody to talk to would just listen and try to understand. I just want somebody to look me in the eye and tell me I’m doing things right and thy everything is going to be okay. I feel so stupid feeling this way because I’m sure tons of kids my age do and it has a ton to do with stupid hormones, but I think I should acknowledge it nonetheless.
A couple of weeks ago I made a three different lists. The first was composed of the top three things that make me panic/make me want to SI the most. My “triggers” I guess. The second was of the top three situations that make me want to SI that happen the most frequently. The last consisted of the most preventable situations, but I didn’t finish that one. I was going to use it as a reference, but I guess I forgot. It made me feel great at the time, but I don’t think I was having any urges when I wrote it. I just wanted to confirm that that was a good thing to set up. I know I was, but I guess I’m just in a pathetic search for approval. It’s actually disgusting.
I think I’m going to tell one of my old teachers about my SI. Let’s call him Mr. Blue for now. I visit Mr. Blue whenever I can. I’ve even stayed after school for no other reason than just to talk to him. This is going to sound super weird, but sometimes I wish he was my dad. My biological isa despicable excuse of a man and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Seeing my father is actually on the list of things that makes me panic the most. When I have to see him I get so anxious I hurt myself because I’m trying so hard not to hurt myself. I hate that stupid *&*$^@# (I know that swear is just going to hey edited out when this is published, but just imagine it I guess. I ran out of appropriate alternatives.)
Anyway, the story of my dad and the hatred for him that I bury inside me is a very long story that I have no desire to tell for the millionth time. I’m sick of catching people up and having to explain to therapist after therapist that no, I truly don’t care for my ever-manipulative father and that yes, I really, REALLY, meant that I don’t want to see him. I’m rambling again, let us move on to a less upsetting topic.
So back to Mr. Blue. I’ve wrote countless letters I’ve thrown away and emails I’ve deleted confessing to him my problems with SI. The closest I got to telling him was when I sent him a teacher appreciation letter thing we did at the end of the year. I thanked him for listening to me and offering such helpful advice and I told him that without him I wouldn’t learned that it’s okay to talk. I told him that without people like him I hurt myself. It wasn’t anything close to a SI confession, but I guess it was a hint.
I miss Mr. Blue and his class and how interesting it was and now that I’ve mentioned it I’m anxious again. I’ve literally just went in a full circle and now I feel barren and empty and so, SO, lonely again. It’s like an ache deep in my chest. Like there’s just a gaping hole. It makes me want to hurt myself so very badly. I want to sleep now. It’s 3:32AM and I’m getting up at like 8:30AM. I wish I wouldn’t wake up and I could just sleep and melt into a never ending state of profound contentedness. Too bad I always have crappy dreams.
Goodnight and best wishes on your own journeys. To quote the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, “May the stars watch over you.”