Unlike my last post, I’m not seeking a distraction or means to cope, but just to vent and maybe learn from those who have been here before. I have been obsessively checking my post since it was published. What am I looking for? I don’t really know. I just want to know what to do and if what I’ve been doing is right.
I refuse to tell my family about my SI, rely upon one friend (which is crazy unfair to her), and frequently despair at what sometimes feels like nothing. Last night I felt barren, like an empty waste field. I was so lonely, all I wanted was just somebody to talk to would just listen and try to understand. I just want somebody to look me in the eye and tell me I’m doing things right and thy everything is going to be okay. I feel so stupid feeling this way because I’m sure tons of kids my age do and it has a ton to do with stupid hormones, but I think I should acknowledge it nonetheless.
A couple of weeks ago I made a three different lists. The first was composed of the top three things that make me panic/make me want to SI the most. My “triggers” I guess. The second was of the top three situations that make me want to SI that happen the most frequently. The last consisted of the most preventable situations, but I didn’t finish that one. I was going to use it as a reference, but I guess I forgot. It made me feel great at the time, but I don’t think I was having any urges when I wrote it. I just wanted to confirm that that was a good thing to set up. I know I was, but I guess I’m just in a pathetic search for approval. It’s actually disgusting.
I think I’m going to tell one of my old teachers about my SI. Let’s call him Mr. Blue for now. I visit Mr. Blue whenever I can. I’ve even stayed after school for no other reason than just to talk to him. This is going to sound super weird, but sometimes I wish he was my dad. My biological isa despicable excuse of a man and I hate him with every fiber of my being. Seeing my father is actually on the list of things that makes me panic the most. When I have to see him I get so anxious I hurt myself because I’m trying so hard not to hurt myself. I hate that stupid *&*$^@# (I know that swear is just going to hey edited out when this is published, but just imagine it I guess. I ran out of appropriate alternatives.)
Anyway, the story of my dad and the hatred for him that I bury inside me is a very long story that I have no desire to tell for the millionth time. I’m sick of catching people up and having to explain to therapist after therapist that no, I truly don’t care for my ever-manipulative father and that yes, I really, REALLY, meant that I don’t want to see him. I’m rambling again, let us move on to a less upsetting topic.
So back to Mr. Blue. I’ve wrote countless letters I’ve thrown away and emails I’ve deleted confessing to him my problems with SI. The closest I got to telling him was when I sent him a teacher appreciation letter thing we did at the end of the year. I thanked him for listening to me and offering such helpful advice and I told him that without him I wouldn’t learned that it’s okay to talk. I told him that without people like him I hurt myself. It wasn’t anything close to a SI confession, but I guess it was a hint.
I miss Mr. Blue and his class and how interesting it was and now that I’ve mentioned it I’m anxious again. I’ve literally just went in a full circle and now I feel barren and empty and so, SO, lonely again. It’s like an ache deep in my chest. Like there’s just a gaping hole. It makes me want to hurt myself so very badly. I want to sleep now. It’s 3:32AM and I’m getting up at like 8:30AM. I wish I wouldn’t wake up and I could just sleep and melt into a never ending state of profound contentedness. Too bad I always have crappy dreams.
Goodnight and best wishes on your own journeys. To quote the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini, “May the stars watch over you.”
Hi. I have issues with talking about my Si and it has taken me along time to open up. Having someone to talk to and who will be supportortive and not judgemental is now very important to me. I think your lists are a great idea and it’s not pathetic to seek reassurance (a feeling that I understand). As with any problem to share and discuss it is normal and healthy. I am here looking for like minded individuals that are seeking to stop and want to vent and share thoughts and advice.
Kind regards
Approval and reassurance are things we as humans need from time to time, some more than others, depending on situations. It’s not wrong at all. ? And as far as you reaching out to your teacher, I like the whole writing drafts you were doing. Perhaps your anxiety is stopping you? That is certainly understandable, telling something like this is scary. When I have told those few who know my own secret, I wrote out something, and even though I felt anxious, I just went ahead and did what I knew I needed to do (gave them what I wanted them to read). It was scary, but most certainly well worth it, for they have been my support. I also wanted to praise you for writing out those lists, that shows that you are truly wanting to work on this. Figuring out what triggers you is huge so that we can learn to deal with such situations or avoid them altogether if possible.