I don’t even know where to start. I am young, this is my first post, and I want to just squeeze my eyes shut and open them to a world where everything is simple. But like the great Hank Green says, “All simplicity is a lie.” I for one agree 100%, but instead of discussing the lack of simple splendors plaguing the world, why don’t I move on to a topic of relevancy.
I have been silently struggling with SI for almost four years now. For about the last six months I haven’t been in total silence anymore and it feels AWESOME. I never really had a best friend, but I think I do now which is something I’ve always dreamt about. My friend is so sweet about the whole thing, but I feel like it’s just so unfair to her. She’s tried to understand, but she never really will. That’s okay with the both of us though I guess. It’s just nice to be able to text somebody if I’m really panicking.
I’m scared though. I haven’t told my mother. I don’t plan to, but everywhere I read things, it says I should. She wouldn’t get it; she might even get mad at me. I don’t know…I don’t she any confessions happening anytime soon. It’s not like I’ve hurt myself recently, it’s been months. When I do it’s never really that bad. I know I’m not supposed to include any graphic details.
There isn’t a day where I don’t think about it. At school I’ll see a tool and happen to notice how sharp it’s looking. I’ll think of how I don’t have a college fund because my father spent it on a vacation home and want to hurt myself. I’ll say it out loud like a joke, but I’m really thinking about it. I can’t get away from it not matter what.
I’ve learned what distractions are effective for me. I like drawing on myself but my mom goes freaking rabid when I do. There’s by many things that make her that upset seeing as she’s a very reasonable and lovely woman and I love her more than all of the stars there are in the sky, but she took all of my markers, pens, etc. It’s been about two months since that. I need to distract myself, but my main method has been taken by force.
I guess I’m just rambling now. It’s late, but I don’t really care. I don’t sleep anyway. I’ll look back on this and become nauseous at the sight of my inevitable typos and just a general lack of quality writing. As a writer, that’s how all of my writing is for me. I want to write I book but I’m the least ambitious human being to walk the face of the Earth. My theory is if I write and publish a book before I graduate high school, maybe I can get a scholarship somewhere and college might seem actually plausible. Thinking about it makes me want to curl up and hide from the world. I feel like that a lot. I’m such a loser.
I’m really just rambling right now because I’m trying to distract myself from wanting to SI. My mission has been successful, but now I’m just sleepy and lonely. Goodnight me.