The math problem I had to long on today was very easy, and for that I am grateful. Because my brain is fried. I am totally overwhelmed and frozen. I tried taking a shower, watching a video on dbt- helped a bit, maybe. The shower helped. I left my phone at work today. I think I left it bc I am supposed to call a relative in a treatment facility tonight and maybe I don’t really want to do that– but it’s not just a relative– it’s my own kid. So– obligation– and now– my light turns on– oh! I am feeling pressure– that’s that ache where I want to harm myself– pressure. I don’t do well under pressure. I am also so ridiculously sensitive and I just finished a memoir about/by a woman with a number of similarities to me and it and I just get really affected. Her life in the book is completely Bohemian. I’ve been thinking of myself as a recovering Bohemian, but there are things I miss. I miss having time. And that too feels like pressure– never having the time to just entertain myself, hang out. I’m not sure if I should try to change that. I also find the structure that’s now in my life very healing. I’ve been thinking a lot about why structure is healing. The facility where amy son is– there is talk about his need for a “highly structured environment”– I am 5 1/2 years into treatment now. Therapy structured my life for years. I miss that. Now work structures my life and I didn’t see my therapist at all this week, which must also be contributing to feeling out of whack. I am also on a higher does of meds and it has me feeling both extra laid back and extra foggy– the fogginess can be triggering– because I feel like I can’t organize myself and that makes me feel overwhelmed. I’ve been coping with lists, which likely leaves more productive than I was when I could think straighter. But productivity– maximizing productivity– that is certainly not the the point of life. The point of life must be something more like presence. But it feels sort of good too to be dialed down. And there’s sudden pressure to to schedule a visit with my son and I just managing living, going t work, then traveling a bit to see him all in one day– I know that is too much for me. It is too much for me– I’m supposed to trust what I want and what I know I need and I know that that is too much. I’m supposed to insist that I matter. I feel the urge to try and fall asleep to get rid o the world. I need to write down everything I am hoping to accomplish this weekend. My house is streakily clearer and I like that– I am grateful for that and grateful that I don’t feel up to working on it more now, I can reap the benefit of new levels of cleanliness that I have been doing. I should have called my therapist earlier today after I heard a very bad report about my son acting out. I was shaken. I think that if I focus on– I am going to touch base with him tomorrow morning that might calm me down. Yes, that feels better. I want to just pray, Dear God, please be with me. My best friend and other both had sugary today. They are both ok. I can see that my thoughts are all over the place. I can see why it might be unpleasant to be in my head right now. There is little continuity. And of course that feels overwhelming–  nothing processed. I can keep myself safe. I can do it because that’s what I want and because I take precautions and do not have tools around because if I had something here easy I might use it. Nothing really feels safe though. I do not feel safe. But I am in my home, which I am making homey. And I am alone with my big, protective dog by my side. Thank you for letting me have a space here.