Well, I finally got help. I saw a therapist. It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done. I didnt know what to expect. But here I am two years into grad school I needed to really understand who I was and what I was doing. So I ended up going in. And I left with a mood disorder. Considering I’m constantly diagnosing in school, I knew I had an Eating Disorder. I knew I met all the criteria, but I always thought well thats just me over analyzing it all. Youre not really suppose to diagnose yourself, so i was like cool, whatever. Well, nope. I have an eating disorder. My medical file shows I have an eating disorder. All of my SI branched off from my ED. My shopping habits come from my ED. My moods fluctuating? Yep you guessed it, ED. So tomorrow I start antidepressants and see a nutritionist Friday. Then i go into an eating disorder clinic on a weekly basis for about a year. Im freaking out. On one end Im happy I have the answers. But then Im scared I’m just going to fail this too. Ive failed at recovery with SI, with my ED, with almost everything that I have ever tried! Why do I think this time is going to be any better?? Am i going to change now? Will I finally start to like myself?? I wont hate myself when I see myself in the morning?? I know the changes wont be immediate. I know I cant snap and everything is going to be better right away. But is this the change that ive been waiting for the last ten years? I know in my gut this is a step in the right direction. I’m just scared. Im so completely scared.