Well, I finally got help.  I saw a therapist.  It was probably the scariest thing I have ever done.  I didnt know what to expect.  But here I am two years into grad school I needed to really understand who I was and what I was doing.  So I ended up going in.  And I left with a mood disorder. Considering I’m constantly diagnosing in school, I knew I had an Eating Disorder.  I knew I met all the criteria, but I always thought well thats just me over analyzing it all.  Youre not really suppose to diagnose yourself, so i was like cool, whatever.  Well, nope.  I have an eating disorder.  My medical file shows I have an eating disorder.  All of my SI branched off from my ED.  My shopping habits come from my ED.  My moods fluctuating? Yep you guessed it, ED.  So tomorrow I start antidepressants and see a nutritionist Friday.  Then i go into an eating disorder clinic on a weekly basis for about a year.  Im freaking out.  On one end Im happy I have the answers.  But then Im scared I’m just going to fail this too.  Ive failed at recovery with SI, with my ED, with almost everything that I have ever tried!  Why do I think this time is going to be any better??  Am i going to change now? Will I finally start to like myself?? I wont hate myself when I see myself in the morning??   I know the changes wont be immediate.  I know I cant snap and everything is going to be better right away.  But is this the change that ive been waiting for the last ten years?  I know in my gut this is a step in the right direction. I’m just scared.  Im so completely scared.