It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. A little over 2 years to be exact.
When I first found this website, I was 17 and stuck in a terrible place in my life. Losing my who I considered to be my best friend, having a boyfriend who stepped all over me, and many other things. I found harming myself to be an outlet for all the hurt, confusion, and anger that I had. And for about a year I continued to harm myself, I was very depressed. I felt as though I had hit rock bottom. It was then that my brother approached me with his suspicions, and after a lot of denying and lying on my part, he finally got the truth out of me. He held me as I cried about how ashamed I was, and then instead of being mad at me like I thought he would be, he took me to my parents, and sat with me as the truth about the last year of my life was revealed. Word slowly traveled to some of the teachers at my school, and they recommended someone for me to talk to. She helped at first, but then after a while it started to feel like she wasn’t concerned with helping me, just getting paid. I started to tell her what she wanted to hear so I could be done with her.
That was around graduation. When it came time for me to go to college, I put my past behind me, and jumped right in. Sure my past sometimes crept up on me, but I knew the best thing to do was ignore it, cause if my school found out, there was a chance I would be asked to take time off of school. And I couldn’t do that. All I was trying to do was make my family proud of me, and show them that I could do something right. That didn’t last for long, and soon it got to be too much to handle. An RA in my building found out about my troubles one night, and they had to act as they were taught. A cop came to see how I was, and then my parents were called to come and take me home for a few days. I was beyond terrified of letting my parents down, but when we got home I realized that they weren’t disappointed, but worried. After going to all the doctors like I was told to, I was told that part of my problem was that I have ADHD, and was never taught how to handle it. This explained so much and played a huge part in my failing grades. How are you suppose to learn anything when you can’t pay attention in class? Especially at a school as fast paced and competitive as mine.
That was a year ago. It’s been a long and bumpy road since then. My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer this time last year, and fought through it. She’s now cancer free. My grandpa died in early January this year. And many other obstacles have presented themselves. But I’m still here now. And I haven’t harmed myself since before I was asked to take time away from school.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that things get better. When you feel like you’ve hit the bottom, it means that there’s only one way to go, and it’s up. Don’t be afraid to let people in, ask for help, and don’t ever for one second think that you’re in this alone. So many people need you in their lives. It’s true that there are times when I falter in my progress and consider the “what-ifs”, but that’s a part of human nature, to wonder. But the truth is, we won’t know, cause we aren’t here to experience it. What’s the point in trying, if you don’t even get to see the outcome? And when I do let myself slip back into old ways of thinking, I take deep breaths, put on calming music, and clear my mind of everything.
When I first came to this website as a scared 17 year old girl, I literally had no one to talk to. That’s why I turned here in the first place. Now, I’m 19 years old, I’m a full time student at the Colorado School of Mines, I work a part time job, I have a real best friend in the form of my brother, and a boyfriend who will sit with me for hours on end as I yell in frustration at my homework or bring me dinner when I get stuck closing at work just as an excuse to see me.
Things will get better, you just have to be willing to put in the work to get to where you want to be.