Yesterday was so good!! I was on track with my food log, i was eating well, sure I snacked a bit here or there, but overall i was doing so well! And then class got cancelled, we went out to dinner, and i felt guilty.  I wanted to go back to my ED ways, but I couldnt, I didnt want to put my body through that.  But then I came home and i Si-ed.  I hate that I did it.  Its like I have to punish myself for eating out.  Like im not on this crazy diet.  Im just writing it down!!!! Its not like im giving myself this complex about my body! I just want to know what im eating.  So then I eat dinner, and I know its not horrible, but its like I have to punish myself for making a mistake when I was hungry at a normal hour and not a crazy amount???  Will i ever really go through life without wanting or needing SI?  I just have to say that I slept so well last night too.  I want to get help, I want to talk to someone, but I cant tell my parents.  They think i stopped so long ago.  They think I stopped when I was in high school, over eight years ago.  So I cant just say Hey! Guess what! Ive been si-ing regularly for the last eight years!! Surprise!  Im just lost.  I dont know what I want.  I dont know what i need to do.  Im just tired of it all.  Ive thought about running away so much lately.  How easy it would be to pack up my car and go.  I dont even know where.  I dont want to be around my best friend.  Shes driving me nuts. I dont really have any other friends that are close.  I have two friends who I text and I love them, I really do, but i dont know.  I never have a chance to get out, go away, be….me.   Im not even sure who I am anymore.  I know who I WANT to be.  But right now im miserable.  Im not happy.  I fake my way through everyday.  I pretend im ok, that I have no cares in the world.  But im hurting. I hurt a lot.  I dont even know how to explain it. I’ll never be the person I want to be. I just…I DONT KNOW!! If i could I would scream right now.  I just dunno. I really dont know.