Yesterday was so good!! I was on track with my food log, i was eating well, sure I snacked a bit here or there, but overall i was doing so well! And then class got cancelled, we went out to dinner, and i felt guilty. I wanted to go back to my ED ways, but I couldnt, I didnt want to put my body through that. But then I came home and i Si-ed. I hate that I did it. Its like I have to punish myself for eating out. Like im not on this crazy diet. Im just writing it down!!!! Its not like im giving myself this complex about my body! I just want to know what im eating. So then I eat dinner, and I know its not horrible, but its like I have to punish myself for making a mistake when I was hungry at a normal hour and not a crazy amount??? Will i ever really go through life without wanting or needing SI? I just have to say that I slept so well last night too. I want to get help, I want to talk to someone, but I cant tell my parents. They think i stopped so long ago. They think I stopped when I was in high school, over eight years ago. So I cant just say Hey! Guess what! Ive been si-ing regularly for the last eight years!! Surprise! Im just lost. I dont know what I want. I dont know what i need to do. Im just tired of it all. Ive thought about running away so much lately. How easy it would be to pack up my car and go. I dont even know where. I dont want to be around my best friend. Shes driving me nuts. I dont really have any other friends that are close. I have two friends who I text and I love them, I really do, but i dont know. I never have a chance to get out, go away, be….me. Im not even sure who I am anymore. I know who I WANT to be. But right now im miserable. Im not happy. I fake my way through everyday. I pretend im ok, that I have no cares in the world. But im hurting. I hurt a lot. I dont even know how to explain it. I’ll never be the person I want to be. I just…I DONT KNOW!! If i could I would scream right now. I just dunno. I really dont know.