I have come to realize it’s up to me, more than anything else, to decide to get better. Some are saying it’s not a choice. But I say, yes.
I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half now. Now, it’s time to let go of everything that was making me angry, define what I want for myself, and lead a happy, healthy life. Because for much of that time I’ve been angry.
Yes, I’m having a hard time letting go of everything that’s been told to me. In fact, that’s the hardest part. My therapist told me it’s like I’m so used to carrying a bag that I don’t know what to do when I drop it so I find a new bag to carry. I carry that weight, and more.
I’m angry at my two friends with eating disorders because they are determined to stay negative. One moved back home and continues to blame her environment and her genetics and her trauma———anything she can possibly do to keep herself sick. One moved to California and has been in help for the last several years. She has had to stay at Renfrew. She is relapsing and abusing drugs. She keeps saying she’s lesbian, but she has slept with a married man she had feelings for. And I don’t really buy the sexuality is fluid argument. It’s fluid but not THAT fluid. I think it’s the interest level that changes with time, but the person—man, woman, etc—-that someone is attracted to does not. You may be interested in men, but not as frequently at, say, 35 as you were at 15. Or vice versa.
I’m angry at the girl who keeps saying asexual is where she belongs, because again, she hasn’t fixed her own problems. I know she tried to have a boyfriend. I know she finds people attractive that are either cheaters or gun owners. I know she has had surgeries and feels ugly as a result. I know she can’t forgive her mom for her past. And I wish she’d be honest about all of that instead of hiding behind something, because that does a huge huge disservice to people who are actually asexual. She uses past bullying as an excuse for being shy. She uses her childhood speech impediment as an excuse for not being a good communicator, and throwing temper tantrums. She’s been sent to a therapist for other reasons but won’t go.
I’m most angry at my cousin, who keeps on proclaiming birth justice and living your own life. In truth, she did a lot to hide the fact she didn’t know what she wanted out of her life at my age, filled her head with junk, and now is trying to manipulate family into supporting her and visiting her and her family. Her parents say they want to go back to live near her. I sure as heck don’t!
But, the person I’m most angry at is myself. For being friends with people who did all these things so I had an excuse to continue my own SI. So I had an excuse to be angry and depressed. So I had an excuse to be negative all the time. I blamed trauma. I blamed school. I blamed my parents, my family. I blamed my eye problem. I blamed my surgeries. Friends are a reflection of who you are and what you do and believe in. I was angry at them because they reflected me. The problem was me all along. Yes, things happened in my past that should not have happened, but if I let it control me, that’s my fault because I let it. People’s actions do have an influence on me, and it’s my fault because I let them.
So, today, this morning, I choose to let go. I choose to put people’s challenges back on them. What are they doing to solve their problem, and what am I doing to solve mine? Asking for support is one thing. Taking up another’s weight is something else.