Well the good news is I passed the class I was so worried about! Apparently I had the right idea, just missed a point so the teacher wanted me to show I actually understood it. So now im back to normal classess that I breeze though because the content isnt very hard for me.  So I mean thats good.  For some reason I have had this major urge to SI the last two days.  Nothing major has happened.  I had three of my closest friends break up with their significant others.  So I spent the whole weekend listening, assuring them it gets better, being the good friend I’m suppose to be.  And I cant just start avoiding them now that I know theyre hurting.  Its just so difficult sometimes to step back.  And I have for the most part. But one friend is having a REALLY hard time so I really cant.  But thats not why I want to SI.  Its almost like I just want to feel something.  But I dont understand why I would need to.  I’m ok.  Emotionally I’m fine!!

I started a food journal yesterday.  Im not doing anything drastic.  Im not trying to make myself hate me again.   I just keep track of what goes in my mouth.  No calories, no mean words, just tracking pen and paper.  I made short term goals, and long term goals, and left a week empty to really reassess how Im doing after a month (if i get that far!).   I dont want to do this and make myself hate who I am.  Because I know Im not skinny.  I dont want to be a stick thin person.  I just dont want people to look at me in pity, or walk into a room and be the biggest person in the room.   I just want to like my body.  I dont right now.  I cant SI right now. I wont.  I shouldnt. I mean I can, but Im not going to.  I will make it through today.  Im giving myself a week before I start to freak out and fall apart.  I can do this.  I will be able to hold it together.  Its like if i keep typing it then itll happen…..hopefully.