Well the good news is I passed the class I was so worried about! Apparently I had the right idea, just missed a point so the teacher wanted me to show I actually understood it. So now im back to normal classess that I breeze though because the content isnt very hard for me. So I mean thats good. For some reason I have had this major urge to SI the last two days. Nothing major has happened. I had three of my closest friends break up with their significant others. So I spent the whole weekend listening, assuring them it gets better, being the good friend I’m suppose to be. And I cant just start avoiding them now that I know theyre hurting. Its just so difficult sometimes to step back. And I have for the most part. But one friend is having a REALLY hard time so I really cant. But thats not why I want to SI. Its almost like I just want to feel something. But I dont understand why I would need to. I’m ok. Emotionally I’m fine!!
I started a food journal yesterday. Im not doing anything drastic. Im not trying to make myself hate me again. I just keep track of what goes in my mouth. No calories, no mean words, just tracking pen and paper. I made short term goals, and long term goals, and left a week empty to really reassess how Im doing after a month (if i get that far!). I dont want to do this and make myself hate who I am. Because I know Im not skinny. I dont want to be a stick thin person. I just dont want people to look at me in pity, or walk into a room and be the biggest person in the room. I just want to like my body. I dont right now. I cant SI right now. I wont. I shouldnt. I mean I can, but Im not going to. I will make it through today. Im giving myself a week before I start to freak out and fall apart. I can do this. I will be able to hold it together. Its like if i keep typing it then itll happen…..hopefully.