I’ve never been motivated in my life, except for a few times. My lack of motivation has gotten worse. I can’t focus during classes, and the only thing that keeps my focus for more than a few minutes is my journal and other triggering things. I’ve tried not using it, but then I just use my other notebooks for school for letting out the creepy, depressing, and suicidal thoughts out on paper and not out on me. I’ve been trying to stop hurting myself, again, but it’s still not working. Part of me knows that it’s bad, but part of me enjoys it. I know that that sounds horrible, but I do to some extent. Part of me also thinks that I deserve it because I don’t deserve to be loved, and part of me knows that it ground me during anxiety attacks and it keeps me from having anxiety attacks. It’s a coping mechanism, and I don’t like it.