Besides perfectionism, besides fear of disappointing myself and all others, besides my parents and how much I can’t decide what I want to believe of what they told me: I think one of the issues lies in past sexual harassment I’ve endured, and sexuality issues thereafter.
I’m not going to go into it here, but both of the harassers were male and older than me. They were both in a position where nothing they said or did could come back to haunt them, and neither of my parents were too much into trying to heal me from it. Their rationale was if it wasn’t rape there was no need for therapy. What they don’t understand is some things my dad said early on in life, while he was quitting smoking, were out of line as well. He’s never apologized, though we’ve tried to get him to when he royally screwed up/said bad things. He denies that kind of speech, and when he does admit it, he says it’s not a bad thing to say and that it’s accurate. I think that kind of behavior is abusive at worst and out of line at best, but because he wasn’t telling anyone what to wear or anything, and he wasn’t physically abusing anyone (though he threatened to,) I don’t know if I /can/ classify it as abuse. Illness and age have mellowed him somewhat.
So, after all of that, I have to wonder whether my instant recognition of whether a girl is pretty or not, whether I’d cuddle with her or not, means I am gay. I’ve always been romantically attracted to boys, though, so I can’t be gay, right? The thought of sex is terrifying with a boy, but with a girl just yech….if either sex hugs me I don’t like it, but wish I could hug them again after (friendly way only.) But asexual is not the same thing as terrified. So anytime I notice someone it’s just like “hey, that boy has nice eyes..” no, SI, bad. “Hey, that girl is pretty.” No, SI. Bad.
So. Does anyone else struggle with this/have input? Because maybe it’s just my brain saying that girls are safer and that boys are dangerous and scary.