I just got off the phone with my dad.  I feel like a horrible horrible person.  For once I stood up for myself and all I want to do right now is cry.  I feel like I hurt his feelings, and I plan on saying the same thing to my mom when I see her.  But I don’t know if I can do it again.  My parents have been fighting like none other for the last couple of months.  I felt like when my dad finally found a job again they wouldn’t fight as much.  Now its been a couple months of horror.  Either they scream at each other, throw me in the middle and I get to listen to both sides of the fighting, or they give each other the silent treatment.  2 months ago I came home from school and my dad had left.  He said he wasn’t coming back.  After I talked to him (at 12 a.m) for two hours he finally came home.  Its just been one issue after another.  Here I am, working full time, going to school full time (at two different schools at that) and trying to stay has healthy as possible with my own issues, and I have to deal with this every night I go home.  Last night I worked so hard making an amazing dinner for my family for football kickoff.  I didn’t get so much as a thank you from my dad who sat there and gave my mom the silent treatment.  Apparently he suddenly hates my aunt now, so when shes there hes quiet.  COOL.  Now theres one more person I love who is on his list that he doesn’t want to talk to.   So today when he called, I finally told him to fix his relationships.  That I was done trying to help them.  They would see less of me until they figured out what they wanted to do with their future cuz I couldnt handle the fighting/silence anymore.  I mean, I’m not a child, I understand adults need to fight it out sometimes, but I still live at home, I shouldnt have to deal with their fighting on a regular basis!!! No ones happy.  Both of them are miserable (I know because I get the hour long phone calls daily about one of them complaining about the other).  But I’m tired of pretending to be happy in front of everyone, but going home and being miserable.  I just cant do it.  I dont want to hurt them, I could really sit here and cry (at work, awesome!).  I don’t even know.  I wish I could afford to move out, but with all my debt from school, I really CANT.  I’m 25 years old with a bachelors degree and I can’t afford to live on my own.  I lead a great life huh?  Ive been SI-ing much more lately.  I just dont want to handle anything anymore.  Its just easier to let off the steam for a lot of whats going on with SI than deal with it.   I cant deal with all the extra stress.  Here I am in grad school, helping other people (which I’ve gotten many compliments on recently surprisingly) yet I cant keep my own life together.  Im falling apart at the seams and no one sees it.  No one realizes I am a MESS.  All I can think of is of hurting myself, just to let off some steam.  Ive been trying to do things I love like reading, but I just cant focus.  I’ll go through a chapter and realize I have no idea what I just read.  Like, whats happening to my mind? Why am I spacing out so much?   I should probably get help.  I cant keep hurting myself.  But the part thats really hard is the fact that when its others (outside my family) I can keep myself separate, I can help them and not let it hurt me. And for a long long time I was able to do it with my parents and just ignore it.  But when I get sucked into this mess I just cant anymore.  The thoughts of giving up and running away come more often than not, but of course that isnt any option.  I just dont know anymore.  I still feel like a horrible person for what I told my dad, and now have to go tell my mom.  Ugh, wish me luck I guess. I dont know, I should get back to work now.