I continue to struggle…I am still trying to find a suitable job and it is taking a toll on me. The part-time job I do have takes time, and the time I do have I struggle between taking time for myself vs. this desperate need to do job searching activities. There hasn’t been much interest in my applications which has been very discouraging. I am depressed and feel the sting of rejection, loss of purpose, and anxiety over money everyday. I try to hold it together, but the other day I snapped. I had to wake up early for my part-time job, but I haven’t been able to sleep well lately, so I was very tired. I was so tired, depressed, angry and feeling so hopeless I had this urge to be destructive in this fit of rage. I am so terrified that in that moment I might hurt someone or something else, that I always take it out on me instead. I ended up SIing. I wasn’t sure what else to do.
Another thing that I find is not helping is I am comparing my situation to others who I graduated with. Many of them have jobs now and are moving forward with life. FB has been a place I can’t even venture to lately. I just see all the smiles, words of congrats to people achieving great things while I sit here in tears. I pray everyday, and although I find my faith wavering, it is the only thing I find gives me some sense of hope – perhaps God can help or at least help provide me some patience and direction.
I am not sure what to do anymore. I feel the depression is getting worse- and I know it is situational. But how can I improve my situation without finding suitable employment. I feel so lost and desperate and I am regretting some of my choices everyday for they have gotten me to this point. Why can’t I find something that I can be proud of and share my good news with others. It’s hard to be happy for others when I am struggling everyday with just getting through a day without sobbing. I continue to tell myself I am blessed, that I do have a lot, despite wanting more. But I can’t help compare with those that are like me – they are able to get good jobs fast, find friends, lose weight, etc… I know looks are deserving and no one has it all together, but I the more I compare the more I feel myself coming further apart.