I am trying to identify a feeling right now..a feeling that just seems so overwhelming if I don’t do something about it in a constructive way it will end up being destructive. The only way I can label it is severe irritation, anger and worry. Maybe it’s due to the lack of sleep, maybe I am hormonal, or maybe it is just how the events of the world and of my world are. I am depressed about my own situation – feeling worthless and with no direction. But then I get angry at myself for being selfish. Then I see the news and all the sad and scary stories of war, death, fighting, etc. Again, perhaps it is my current mood, but sometimes I can’t help but feel worried for us as human beings on this planet trying to cooperate and be friendly with one another. Why is it so hard to be nice and respectful? It makes me angry, and then I feel my anger directed at those accused of doing horrible things -then I think maybe this is a vicious cycle. But should I not get angry when someone is hurting someone else?
I feel like crying because I almost feel desperate. I am desperate for my own situation, desperate to move forward, desperate for peace. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been doing much self care lately. Although I seem to lounge about being depressed when I am not working at my part-time job or trying to find another job, I don’t do anything fun anymore. I feel lonely and sad. I feel that I don’t deserve to be happy and that my time should be spent working harder to improve my situation.
I don’t know where I am going with this post. I just needed to get these thoughts out. I can feel the lump in my throat that you get before the sobbing starts. I just need to forget things for awhile and not worry.