There’s been enough change in my life that I almost don’t have time to SI. But then I do.

I had to move majors slightly within my grad program to reflect what I’m actually interested in (not drastically, but enough. I have another year here and that will be it for my program.) I am still a baby in a lot of ways; the youngest in my program; still trying to do twenty things at once and not learning my limits, and then dropping back and feeling like I’m taking it so much easier than the rest of my peers. When my parents came to visit and told me what a great job I’ve done this past year, I almost fell apart. I feel like literally nothing I do is enough for the big leagues, and like it’s always going to be that way.

My regular therapist is leaving and so I have to find a new one. I saw one at the health center and she tells me I need antidepressants and that I have “depressive disorder not otherwise specified but in the major category.” I am going for a second opinion tomorrow. I am sure I have some form of depression, but I do know it’s not MDD.

But I don’t really know how to manage my time apparently. I try and then I just don’t feel like getting up until I’m ready to get up. And I still don’t know how much I can handle, and I have to wonder when I’m ever going to figure that out. Thinking about it stresses me out, and that’s what leads me to this. But like, I shouldn’t even be stressed! I should be this perfect little angel who has it all together all the time or else she’s nothing. I don’t buy that success can be defined in so many different ways. If you’ve gone in so many different directions then what substance do you really have?