I am feeling rejected, dejected and without purpose. Job searching is taking its toll and it is hard for me, who did not have much self confidence or self esteem before, to maintain some level of self-compassion. I just got rejected once again..and for something I really wanted. I feel hurt and discouraged more and more. I feel the shame too. I come from a family who sees someone’s worth and identity by what they do for a living and how much money they make. Well, I am not doing well in either of those categories. I care too much about what they think of me. I care too much about what others think of me. And I compare myself to others way too much. I allow it to make me feel worthless and stupid. The other night I felt myself on the verge. Not only did I have an urge to SI to punish myself for being turned down again, but I felt so lost and hopeless wondering why I was even existing. I think it can be somewhat difficult for most people to continue to pick themselves up after getting repeatedly turned down, but for those who struggle with depression and low self confidence it is even worse. I find myself praying and begging God for help, but I continue to lose faith, and that makes me sad and angry too.
I know I keep repeating myself, but I need to write this. I want to talk about it, but after the first time I express my feelings, most people don’t want to continue to hear it. I am not sure how much longer I can take the rejections, but I can’t stop looking for a job. I am desperate to have a purpose and start moving forward. I just am having a lot of trouble picking myself up and not punishing myself for feeling like a failure every time an opportunity slips away.