I started injuring to relieve sadness and to punish myself but now, I only often do it to feel pleasure. I think I do it to ignore all my emotions and I do remember saying that I’m sick of having such emotions. I was more reserved and lonely before I started talking a lot more to people, but now, I guess I miss being cold, emotionless and cynical. I think I miss the time when I didn’t really care about anything. I’m a good student at school, getting top grades from the rest of the year. Yet, I always still pressured to do better at everything. I’m a perfectionist and “everything-must-be-improved” person. I’ve had the best grades in comparison to the majority of my year. And so, people have high expectations of me. I’m also quite sensitive to criticism, even though it is not meant personally by the critic. To get more to the point, whenever I disappoint someone by not achieving their preconceptions of my abilities, I do feel… I don’t know… worthless and I see myself as stupid. At home, my parents expect me to get the highest grades as much as possible. And so, when I do get something lower, for example, a “B”, they will be disappointed and I then feel the pressure to do more.
Another thing that may be affecting my state of “depression”, may be due to the fact that lots of my friends are leaving the school and moving somewhere else, this adds to the fact that my boyfriend is also leaving, in just 3 weeks. This year has been the only year in which I truly opened up to my friends and enjoyed myself a bit more. And now that they’re leaving, I feel lost again. I did kind of imply that I hated company at this time, but now realising how fast I’ll be losing all of them at once, I just can’t imagine my life without anyone to trust and share my emotions with.
To add, I’m also leaving the school, supposedly in a month, and I’m expected to know what I want to be when I grow up. I’ve always faced that problem but I guess this adds more to the pressure. Another point is that my parents don’t understand why I’m crying when they bring up the subject of me potentially leaving school. I don’t understand why they can’t see that I feel sad about it. The thing is, I don’t have a good relationship with my parents. I often went home to lock myself in my room and just do my homework. I find my father: lazy, selfish and childish, whilst, I see my mother as a raging witch. They’re both hypocrites and don’t really care much about my social life. They’ve implied that I was not allowed to have one. They’ve complained at how much time I’ve been spending with my new-found friends, when I’ve spent the past 5 years not socialising and cooping myself up in my room playing computer games. I was not allowed to have a boyfriend. But now I do, and I’m scared of what they’ll do.
As for the injuries, they were minor at first but they developed to more. I often feel like a want to break down in tears and start screaming whenever someone brings me back to my sense of reality, or when someone asks what’s wrong. But I close myself up and decide to keep it all in, as I believe that this person will only be judgmental and will think that I’m just crazy. As you can see, I also have trust issues which also adds to the difficulty of sharing things with others. I often distract myself from my sadness by simply enjoying more time with my friends and my boyfriend. But now that my parents are starting to prohibit these actions, I don’t know what to do.
Well, I’m rambling and I shouldn’t really spread my life story… but it helped in letting most of it out. I find that writing things down is a better way for me to express my feelings, as I’m not good at verbal communication. :/
Thank you for reading this,