I am struggling with how I am “supposed” to feel or how I “should” feel. I am still in this period of transition in life and I am feeling very lost. There was an opportunity I interviewed for. I haven’t heard anything so I am assuming and preparing for the rejection once again. Rejection for me is a huge deal since I take it to heart and feel that I am not worthy and not good enough – because if I was I would have been chosen. And this is not the first time this has happened lately. As punishment I think about SI. It has been quite a struggle to deal with and I am feeling rather discouraged, down and depressed about things. However, I look around and see how fortunate I am. Although this is a good thing, in the midst of my darkness I only am harsher toward myself. I feel guilty for being depressed about this one thing when really I should be thankful of all the other things I do have. It is a spiral and I feel myself allowing it to take hold. I no longer feel like I have the control to keep myself afloat. I find I am choosing darkness. I feel so lost with this rejection. I don’t know what to pursue now and am desperate for direction. I am hoping for a movie like scene in which someone will approach me, or I’ll see something that will be the light bulb moment for me. That moment where I just know what it is that I need to do. Do those moments exist out of the movies? It also doesn’t help that it is summer now. My skin is a constant reminder of all that I have been through and done. All the times I didn’t choose to look at my blessings but only what I felt was wrong.
I am glad I can hold onto my spirituality at least. Sometimes it is that one piece I can cling to to really keep me from going further down that hole. Part of me would love to embark on a spiritual retreat or some sort of journey that offers the opportunity for clarity. I had that opportunity recently, but I failed to embrace it – yet, another thing to feel guilty about. So now I want another chance. But perhaps I don’t deserve it.
As I write this I can’t help to question if these words of mine even deserve this space. I am blessed and feel I don’t have the right to feel down, sad, angry or depressed. But I decided that I can’t keep these thoughts to myself for the time being. When I start to imagine the SI more and start forming plans, I know I need to get some of the thoughts out somehow.
Blueray,
It is so hard to feel so many negative feelings and be so hard on yourself for them at the same time. I myself struggle with the same thing. I saw you talking about a spiritual retreat, something I myself have thought about doing. I wanted to give you an idea, something that has helped me. I apologize if I am giving you something that you have heard before or are already doing. I try to set aside time for God each day. I personally don’t make it at the same time of day, I just do it when I am not distracted. Others find it more helpful for them to do it at the same time every day. I then just pray and pour out my heart, letting nothing be off limits. The hardest thing for me to learn was this simple lesson: it’s okay to pour out my feelings to the Lord. No feeling is bad or wrong. I myself could most certainly benefit from a retreat though. A long time with just myself and the Lord with no interruptions would most certainly give me the time I need to allow myself to really cry out what I feel I am still holding back.