I am struggling with how I am “supposed” to feel or how I “should” feel. I am still in this period of transition in life and I am feeling very lost. There was an opportunity I interviewed for. I haven’t heard anything so I am assuming and preparing for the rejection once again. Rejection for me is a huge deal since I take it to heart and feel that I am not worthy and not good enough – because if I was I would have been chosen. And this is not the first time this has happened lately. As punishment I think about SI. It has been quite a struggle to deal with and I am feeling rather discouraged, down and depressed about things. However, I look around and see how fortunate I am. Although this is a good thing, in the midst of my darkness I only am harsher toward myself. I feel guilty for being depressed about this one thing when really I should be thankful of all the other things I do have. It is a spiral and I feel myself allowing it to take hold. I no longer feel like I have the control to keep myself afloat. I find I am choosing darkness. I feel so lost with this rejection. I don’t know what to pursue now and am desperate for direction. I am hoping for a movie like scene in which someone will approach me, or I’ll see something that will be the light bulb moment for me. That moment where I just know what it is that I need to do. Do those moments exist out of the movies? It also doesn’t help that it is summer now. My skin is a constant reminder of all that I have been through and done. All the times I didn’t choose to look at my blessings but only what I felt was wrong.
I am glad I can hold onto my spirituality at least. Sometimes it is that one piece I can cling to to really keep me from going further down that hole. Part of me would love to embark on a spiritual retreat or some sort of journey that offers the opportunity for clarity. I had that opportunity recently, but I failed to embrace it – yet, another thing to feel guilty about. So now I want another chance. But perhaps I don’t deserve it.
As I write this I can’t help to question if these words of mine even deserve this space. I am blessed and feel I don’t have the right to feel down, sad, angry or depressed. But I decided that I can’t keep these thoughts to myself for the time being. When I start to imagine the SI more and start forming plans, I know I need to get some of the thoughts out somehow.