To just get to the chase– I’m really not at risk of harming now or any time soon. I’ve gotten good at using tools– I can calm myself down some, distract myself some, soothe myself some. I mentioned something about wanting to hurt myself to punish myself for something to the my therapist a few months ago- he said that I never say anything about punishment as motive– I told him I was just being braver, telling him more. He told told me in the course of that that (is it unbecoming to share so much here, anonymously? what does “unbecoming mean? In 12 step anonymity is akin to spirituality– it’s the place of us all in the big flow…. It’s safe to share.) — he told me that me that I had done plenty of “less than stellar” things in the past and I’d never said anything about punishing myself. I was instantly jarred– what had I done? He took a moment then laughed- Mostly just punish yourself. That’s coming up now because harming as an impulse has been on the radar a lot. Why that’s happening is it’s own subject. But I’m so struck by what a deterrent his judgement has been. I thought judgement was ineffective and bad what I should be trying to avoid– his his judgement has helped me a lot to stay safe. It had never occurred to me that hurting myself was something bad. I had no idea. I want to articulate more, the shift that’s there with the idea of it as a bad thing, not something to rectify badness. It’s weird, that’s the best I have.
The next subject is about where I belong. I’m pretty sure that that answer would be that it is appropriate for me to be writing here if I’m not in immediate danger. Or maybe even danger. I’m not in danger. That’s very weird. But I don’t know where to go with myself. I’ve been on a many years long journey of therapy, etc. I’ve overcome a lot. But its like, if at first the sands are really shifting under my feet in a big way all the time and all I can do to stay standing is focus on the shifting sands and work on keeping my balance, largely by asking for help….. but then, gradually, the sands start to shift less. Now it’s a life that’s well enough within the range of what’s normal– it’s stable in ways. I move around freely. DO what I want to do. And I have generous appreciation for simple freedoms, simple securities. I get better and better at being kind to myself– today that meant stopping for lunch– it meant taking time to socialize– not rushing– prioritizing myself– being a bit late for something totally inconsequential, but I said I’d be there at 10 and didn’t get there until 11– and they couldn’t have cared less– probably didn’t even recall when I said I’d arrive– but, still– I said when so I could have used it push myself, be uncomfortable. Often, daily life is easier. And bad days now are probably about what good days then where. So where does that leave me? It doesn’t leave me kicked out of therapy. Hard as that is for me to believe. I feel a deep concern of it leaving me kicked off here too. But that doesn’t make sense. I think I would like to read me if I was where I was when I first posted here, which must be about 5 years ago now.
Where this is all coming from is inadequate time to process. And the lingering feelign that I just don’t get “it”– “it” being How to Be. I’m not looking for a figure it all out place– I don’t believe in that. The details are that my mental health plan, totally unsanctioned by my therapist, was to avoid men. But I’ve been talking to a man and I don’t think he would ever hurt me. I don’t know if I’m attracted exactly to him, or just the idea that he would be safe to experiment with closeness. So I’m afraid I’m using him. And I do really like him as a friend. Then I ran into someone else I barely know today he he stopped and chatted with me. He was on his way to go do volunteer work. And it was just shocking– like I opened some energy and now there are men on the planet who aren’t dangerous. I’m terrified. I really need sittign and writing and looking at it all time. But now I have normal people problems– like I am working full-time plus and I don’t know how to get to everything. I am suspicious of my business, or the way it obliterates most of the time I would have spent on reflection. I’m scared to what will happen to my creative life without the reflection time, and I also don’t particularly care what happens to it– and that’s even scarier. Right now the big problem is looking like how can live deeply and enjoy the growth-fulness of the activities I am involved with, and also get more social, and also make extra money to address the fact that I didn’t save a dime in the many years I wasn’t well, and keep the dog walked (he hasn’t been father than the yard for a month), and and and. write all that out sort of surfing along the top it, not crushed by it. What is it, though, that my energy comes and goes. That there are days where I could be workign on a project, but I just sit still. I’m much happier working. Today I would have liked to make myself do paperwork-y kinds of things but I see my energy getting smaller and smaller– I decided that maybe I can just do small bits of that at a time– this is week 3 pr more of trying to take care the paper stuff in my free time– so I did physical/real world/grounded/around other people sorts of things. I think that was a good way to manage myself. …….SI is on the radar. It would quiet everything. And it would give me a secret to hold and protect. I have to keep on working on being easier on myself.