I think it’s about average that I start a post asking myself what I am doing here right now. I don’t know why I’m skeptical with myself like that. If it’s about justifying or if it’s about just checking in– why now. I’m not sure what’s been going on with me or why. That’s uncomfortable. I have a small medical issue that has me feeling not my best, that’s a vulnerability. I missed therapy due to no fault of my own for the last two weeks– lack of contact with my therapist tends to bring me here so try and sort myself out. I’ve been talking to a man who is interested in me– that’s a huge– well, it’s like pressure on me and I’m terrified, even though he lives a long way away so I am safe. Combination of threat and attraction. I dreampt I was intimate with a Nazi and I only liked him, only enjoyed because I knew he was a threat to my life. That feels dangerous. I think I really needed to write that out. And the medical issue is with a sensitve area, so that’s hard, though the doctor couldn’t be kinder and I couldn’t feel more comfortable with him. I’m wondering if I’m allowed to write this stuff here. Rationally, I don’t see why not. Emotionally, it’s all highly charged for me, so maybe it’s highly charged for others. Maybe bothersome. I’m really doing my best.
So, things have been very uneven. I took on a number of the unfinished projects of my friend who passed away recently. It’s hard to finish them. She seems more gone, but I feel like I honored her by doing her work.
I’m just finding emotional life hard. I want to be steady and even. Last night when I was telling myself that everything was falling apart, it didn’t take long for me to correct that thought- to be able to recall better times and project more than steady decline. That’s health, as simple as that sounds it’s an accomplishment. It’s an accomplishment that I can cope. That I can keep functioning when conditions are less than ideal- my routine is off. My emotions got hysterical at best buy this weekend. I’ve never seen behavoir like that from me before. Holding back tears, arguing with the customer service people. They are a big corporation, a power that I cannot control. Frustration is a difficult emotion. I think their advertising was decptive and I wasted tons of time going on what they said. Then I just had a melt down. I don’t know the person who does that. And I don’t know why that happened. I know that it took so much out of me that the next day I had to tell myself that I needed to act like I was sick. That I had to stop and just nurture myself because everything felt totally overwhelming.
I don’t really feel overwhelmed now. I just feel not right. And I feel little scared of being me. I feel scared of how uneven I have felt. But the truth is that I’m pretty good at making it through stuff these days. I can manage. If I stay present and just handle things, that seems best- better than letting myself feel scared. And I’m confused because here that idea of just being present and staying out of the secondary fear sounds that same as pushing the secondary fear away, which I know is not a good idea. And it is really there. I don’t know what to do about it, or for it. Maybe stuff about building competancy will make me feel stronger- I guess that’s it. I’m not feeling strong. I have taxes/bookkeeping to work on- ding that makes me feel competent once I get it done. But it’s hard to do when I’m not calm.
I think that often when I come here, I come here to write myself into having a plan. I know that tv will make me feel bad. I know that I should probably eat more, bu I have no appetite. I think it was very disappointing for me to have such a hard time this weekend and in the mornings this week before I get to work- work is fine as long as I’m not in too much pain. But left to my own devices, I’ve been very good that last few months. I remember getting worried about weekends and how I would cope. But I’d forgotten that that was the case for a while, and now it’s the case again and I wasn’t planning on that coming back.
I need to organize more support for myself and I don’t know how.