How much can happen a year? How much can someone fall to pieces in approximately that time and yet still seem sane to the rest of the world?
I say a year because it has been about that long since I last blogged here. I did not intentionally not blog here for a year; that just happened. In the past year, i’ve somehow made it through my sophomore of college. I feel like I’m about ready to just fall to pieces inside; i’ve been holding things in and i want to let them out…I want to Si but I know i cannot…I know I have to stay safe. I have to be safe for everyone else even though i can feel the need to do this in my skin. I feel numb, I feel empty in some ways and in others i feel like I have this heaviness I cannot lift. I just want to explain it all to someone, I want someone to listen to me. I just have to get past the fact I would be showing people my imperfections, my flaws and most of all; that is not bad of me to be honest. I talk to a counselor at college and in my past tow years at school, I’ve gone around what I really need help with: the reality that no matter how hard I try or how well I do, it feels like it is never good enough, how I befriend people but then I get to a certain point and kind of push them away because too much trust is bad to me, how I think of hurting myself everyday all day, how I have things to harm with me constantly (except at this moment annoyingly) and I just keep getting myself in terrible situations with my academics, failing or not doing as well at things as I know I can but I just get exhausted, procrastinate because of my exhaustion and the cycle continues and repeats itself. I’ve explained some of this but not all of it. Hmm, maybe I should just copy and paste this blog in an email to my counselor at school; it would be very helpful for her but I just think I should bring this up in person. i’m not sure if I can email her during summer and my school got out for summer about two weeks ago. I have to email her about something so maybe I will ask her if I can email her and put bits of this in an email if she says it is okay so she will at least know what i need help with for next year. i’m ready to get help, I realize how bad this is (whatever it is because I’m not even sure) and I realize from when I was in high school how bad it can get and I’d rather not let it get that bad. I just have almost four months until I can talk to someone and it’s so hard because that is a long time. It may not seem like a long time to some people but I’ve only been home almost two weeks and I already want to be back at school (even though I was stressing way to much and overwhelmed because of my classes and worrying about how well I was doing). I meet for a regular checkup/physical with my doctor soon and I thought about mentioning some of this but I just got an opportunity that starts relatively soon after that appointment and I do not want him suggesting counseling for the summer or medication because then I would not be able to do what I have planned and been waiting for; this thing requires all of me and if I’m new to a medication or have to do counseling, I won’t be able to do it.
i’m scared for this new chapter in my life, the decisions I have to make as a young adult because I am the worst decision-making person in the world. I always worrying that I’m making the wrong choice or what if I choose something and then after regret it and realize the other choice is better…my brain drives me crazy and I cannot stop it; I cannot control it except with Si (sort of) and I really am trying my best to not do that even though it gets even more difficult each day. I just want someone to tell me I am a capable person and I want to believe it. I have people tell me I am inspirational, a good listener, nice friend etc. but I cannot see any of those qualities in myself; I just see my awkwardness, my failures, my areas I have tried desperately to excel in and have failed or nearly failed in, the classes I enjoy but barely pass because reading itself is to exhausting and draining and I could go on but I won’t…
I just want to be happier, more confident, feel more secure with my choices and gain independence as a human being without worrying about how my choices will affect others and family; I care about what they think of me so much and it hinders my every life choice.
On a side note, I am not sure if I am allowed to ask this or if this is the appropriate place to ask this but I emailed SAFE twice a while ago about this and I got a response that work would be done on the development and i do not remember if I got a reply to the second email. I want to know if and when the SAFE Alternatives app will be updated because currently I cannot access it. i really want to use the logs and things but I am unable to read certain file types and the app is completely blank for me. The last update to the App was over a year ago and in development terms, that is not a promising sign anything will be changing. I know development takes ages but no development in a year makes me feel like the app was created and then just kind of put off, like it was an “this will be useful to people but unfortunately we cannot continue it” kind of thing and that is sad. I am mainly wondering when the app will have Voiceover support. If I could get the contact details for the person developing the app, or for the organization, I can help with giving specific technical information from apple’s website about how to develop apps for people with disabilities but I do not believe this post is the place to go into that.